Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

We are ready. All the preparations are complete. The road blocks are in place. The Red Zone has been sealed, so that even Brother Haqqani cannot get in; not even in an ISI car. The water cannon and the tear gas will be used judiciously, before live bullets are fired. The containers will eventually give way, in accordance with the carefully written script.

The Americans will be airlifted at the last minute from the embassy roof, just when the building is set alight and turns into a raging inferno. As Mrs Hoagland dangles at the end of the rope ladder, the chopper will make its way to Chacklala and a C-130 will carry all the non-essential diplomatic staff to Bagram. Hollywood will be there in force to film the most dramatic moment of the 21st century.

This will inspire the coming generations of Pakistani home ministers who will look up in awe at the single-minded devotion and sense of duty of our leader and our saviour, His Extreme Excellency, Abdul-Rehman Abdul-Malik who gave the nation its finest moment and an extra national holiday.

This correspondent tried to contact the national hero but he was in a cabinet meeting, finalising the details of the next blood bath in Karachi. It is important that at least 12 people-a-day are killed in Karachi, to allow the government to pursue the politics of reconciliation and forgo the tired old methods of the past.

This will be a historic moment, somewhat akin to the storming of Bastille or Lincoln going to Gettysburg or Lenin going to the Finland Station. Revolutionaries, with fire in their bellies, passion in their hearts and black coats on their backs will storm Adiyala to carry out on their shoulders the Imam of the Ummah, Al-Malik Al-Mutaz Al-Awan. The Imam will inspect a guard of honour offered by the nicely turned out battalions of the senior judiciary and the Sadiq and the Amin in the parliament without the curse of dual nationality.

The minorities have nothing to fear. They should immediately give up their false gods and accept one true God who enjoins upon them to pay a small amount in jizya for their own protection, via direct debit to Al-Malik Al-Ishaq. They should of course have recourse to a circumcision by an expert barber and marry off their daughters to the upright and the fair minded among the faithful who grow their beards long and wear their shalwars short and dry the after drops with absorbent stones in accordance with the sharia law.

It is true that their are enclaves of infamy and insolence in Islamic Republic. Efforts have been made in the past to persuade these people to see the light and join the true path. These efforts will be pursued with renewed vigour and places like Gojra, Shanti Nagar and Mehrabadia will be cleared of these vile influences.

We will expose the double standards of the West. Ours is a religion of peace.