By: Hakim Hazik

The worthy scion of Osmanli, the unrivaled Caliph of the faithful of the east and the west, the pillar of faith, the sword of Islam and the mole of the Ummah, General Ahmed Shuja Pasha has decided to take a retirement after a lifetime of serving the nation. He will undertake a journey to the Holy Land of District Khushab, to spend his days in reflection and contemplation of the power of the Almighty Nuclear Chain Reaction.  

We are all gathered here today to pay him tribute for a lifetime of service to the nation. He has been a soldier of the motherland, a spook par excellence and a doughty warrior against the western imperialism. He has stood by the defenders of the faith through thick and thin. 

If it was not for him, the hero of the Ummah, Brother Jalal ud Din would be breathing the foul air of the dungeons of Guantanamo and Malik Ishaq, the scourge of the heretics would be using the absorbent pebbles of the the Kot Lakhpat jail for his ablutions. The fact that these stalwarts are able to hold their heads high and walk free and with honour is a testimony to the good work by Brother Pasha.

One would be remiss not to acknowledge the excellent team of operatives that Brother Pasha trained and led. These include, first and foremost, the terror of the Zionists, Maulana Fossil Fuel of DI Khan. 

The ideology of Pakistan is firmly anchored on Maulana’s staid posterior, which as big as the Kurram Agency and of immense strategic importance to the Maulana and to the Ummah.  The nation derives stability, substance and continuity from his behind. It was for this reason that the Maulana was offered land allotments in DIK, in recognition of his services to the world peace and the law of necessity.  

Brother Pasha also nurtured and tutored under his personal supervision, Brother KK of the KK Klan. Brother KK has taken up the cudgels against corruption in high places by exposing the misdeeds of the criminal political leadership, in addition to making a world record by doing a one hour TV programme in high falsetto, without stopping to take a breath.

One must also applaud the professional military training imparted to the Special Services Group, also called the Army of Jhang. This group of devoted warriors is intent on defending the ideological borders of the nation by wiping out any challenge of the purity and supremacy of the Message. 

The highest point, of his stellar professional career, without a doubt was the now legendary Memogate when he frustrated the fifth columnist and fellow traveller, Husain Haqqani, lurking in the shadows of the Capitol Hill and trying to undermine the ISPR and the Caliphate. He recruited the famous potentate and patriot, Brother Walter Husain Mitty for a sting operation, which proved successful beyond imagining. As Winston Churchill famously said, never in the history of nations has so much noise has been made by so few for so little.

Three cheers for the Caliph,
Hip hip hurray.