The Battle plan

General Headless Crown: Sir Ji, the battle plan is all drawn up. It has two key elements. An element of complete surprise, so that military historians will talk about it, a long time after they have forgotten the Entebbe raid. And an element of concentrated, sustained and devastating firepower to ‘shock and awe’ the enemy into submission, similar to the Baghdad invasion.   This will wash away any memory of Kargil.    

General (Retd.) Tinpot: I am not sure, Headless, if the current national and international situation will allow us to go ahead with any campaign in Kashmir. You know how these Americans get jumpy, and start talking all sorts of alarmist nonsense, such as ‘escalation’ and ‘nuclear holocaust'.

Headless: No Sir Ji, this is the battle plan to evict Justice S A Shahid Siddiqi from his GOR residence. Our amphibian forces will cross the Canal and the Zafar Ali Road nullah by using snorkeling equipment. They will regroup in the Race Course Park and Bagh-e-Jinnah and make lightening raids into the enemy territory. They will immobilize the insurgents by using stun grenades, and destroy their communications including mobile phones, dish antennas, and internet connections. Great care will be taken preserve the historic national monuments such as the CM house. A drone fired Hellfire missile will neutralize the protesters on the Mall side.

Tinpot: Have you covered the exit routes and the usual enemy sanctuaries?

Headless: We have dropped a Daisy-Cutter on the Punjab Institute of Cardiology.

Mrs. Red Wine: I think we should have a post war reconstruction plan thought out and ready to implement.

Headless: That all has been looked into. We will have a tent city for refugees in the Bagh-e-Jinnah. General Farooq of the Earthquake Relief and Rehabilitation Agency, ERRA, is looking into it. I am afraid, as the area is a hotbed of insurgency, it will be best if it ceases to be used for residence. We are already in negotiations with Malaysian contractors, to build and exclusive golf course on the land, for the use of national and international military guests.

Mrs. Red Wine: I agree. Any way the current arrangement for accommodation for the bloated bureaucracy and good for nothing judiciary is clearly inappropriate. I think we should build compact affordable apartment blocks in the Doongi Ground in Smanabad, for the displaced bureaucrats, and one marla, affordable housing in Baghbanpura for the judges, on an ownership basis, this will be compatible with their social status and provide them a sense of security for the future.

Headless: That all makes sense. As a tribute to General Farooq, we have called this operation, The Big ERRA.