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An American Werewolf in Landi Kotal

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik 

This combined session of both the houses of Parliament resolves that: 

This is the declared will of the people of Pakistan that the sovereignty of the people is supreme and shall remain inviolate, except by 3 star generals of the Pakistan Army and bona fide State Department officials in a responsible position, no less than that of a janitor.  

All the foreigners, such as Nuristanis, Hazaras, Uzbeks, Chechens and Arabs, above the age of 10,  found without travelling documents will be captured and presented before the media, bound hand and feet, gagged and blindfolded and having epileptic fits. All those found with travelling documents will be shot.  

This policy will not apply to the foreign citizens from the EU and North America, including FBI officials. They will be put up in the State Guest House and the Marriot Hotel and blown up with the help of a truck bomb.  The valiant armed forces of Pakistan will brook no foreign interference.

We do not need foreigners, we need foreign investment. We do not need American overlords, we need American money. We do not need dams, we need electricity. We do not need the Chief Justice, we need justice.  

There remains the small matter of the American drones, violating the Pakistani airspace. This house does not consider Mr. Boucher a drone. On the contrary he is a valued friend, who brings State Department advisories and Christmas cookies and will bring IMF tranches in future.  

The people who have died as a result of drone attacks are miscreants who have forfeited the right to life. The still have the right of pursuit of happiness. They are happiest when they are dead.  The 80 children who died in drone attack on a school two years ago have caused anxiety. It has been proven with the help of dental and DNA records that they were not children at all. In fact they were not even humans. Therefore they are better off dead.  

We welcome our American friends training the FC in the tribal areas and would welcome the transfer of drone technology, so that we are self sufficient in killing our own people in two years time when the NATO forces leave Afghanistan.  

This house resolves that the principal means of conflict resolution with the tribals will be dialogue and negotiations. These will be conducted home and abroad, till an agreement is reached, which will be signed in blood (of tribals). It has to be understood that these agreements will be recycled as soon as the peace is established, to be used as toilet paper, just like Bhurban and Lahore agreements.  

The writ of the state will be established, albeit gradually. It will be extended as far as Rawat and Taxila, by 2015. In the first instance this writ will established in the parliament cafeteria, to where this session will now adjourn.  

Adopted unanimously by a show of hands.   


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