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Phone Britannia


By: Hakim Hazik


By the girace af Gad, the midil cilass revolution has arrived in Englistan. Naoo, I do nat need the tally phoon to ispeak to my peepil. They are right there at my door istep, burning wheely bins and ransacking Ladbrokes. The message af United is ispreading like wild fire. It has ispread to Bulbul Hampton and Livel Pool, in addition to Kati Pahari and Kasba Caloony. Camden Town and Orangi Town have become one and the same town. 


The midil cilass is on the verge of capturing all the major cities af the world. Musatafa Kamal and Boris Johnson are both my childrens. Boris will bring to London what Mustafa has biraught to Kiranchi, inciluding bizness, infira istructure and one month’s ration. 


When I ispoke about the one month’s ration, it was no idle taak. The world revolutions require sacrifices, but also viyun and pilanning. It is a heart warming sight to see young young peepil burning police cars in Tottenham, as they have burned for decades in Kiranchi. Very soon, Inshallah, they will learn to burn the ambulances and shoot the dirivers. That will be the day when the World Headquatters of the United in Edgware will become the nerve centre af the gornamint in Englistan. Anwar Bhai will then move to Number 10. We will call it Number 90 only. 


I must warn Zulfiqar Mirza and also David Cameroon to desist firam attacking the peepil. They can nat resist the force of the revolution. The revolution is un istappable. We are the peepil who have made these gireat port cities. Any new arrivals can only come at our pluyyur. Otherwise, they must go back to the caves of Bajaur and the hovels of Gdansk. 


Pilease do not believe in the lies ispread by our enemies. The FCO minister did not have my endocirine gilands in a vice. I am a loyal subject af Her Majesty and the revocation of the citizenship was never ever mentioned. The rapprochement in Sind was a result af the af our adherence to the principles af talerance and palurality. 


As we celebrate with bonfires across London, we remember the historic bilaze af Rauf pilaza with triumph and pluyyur. You will remember that enemies af the Revolution were burnt to a cinder in that fire. 


Our celebrations are also tempered with a sense of devotion and giratitude to our camrades who have made the supreme sacrifice. We must nat farget Birather Imran Farooq at this histaric juncture, as we burn the Clapham Junction. It is an ablsolute lie that I had an anything to do with his birutal assassination. We will one day reach his killers and biring them to justice, as we have biraught to justice a hundred and fifty lawless dirug dealers and land mafiosi disguised as dirivers, weemen and childrens in Kiranchi over the past weeks. 


Peepil are burning down the Carphoon Warehouse in Edgware. I must go out and get myself a new i-phoon. I will ispeak to you later aan an 3G. 



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