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The Fatal Eructation

Transcultural Dialogues VII

Brig. (Retd.) Witless Cheema: Good news sir ji, we have solved the case. The cause of death was injudicious burping.  

General (Retd.) Tipot: Have you gone completely insane Witless? The country is on fire, the Americans are shouting at me, down the telephone. The stock market is in ruins, the ISI is running scared, in fear of their lives, just because you could not handle a simple press conference, and now you come up with this crazy theory about the cause of death. what have I done to deserve you? 

Witless: Sir ji, this is solid, confirmed, 100% authentic. We have consulted the DNA experts, forensic experts, ballistic experts, criminal psychologist, numerologist, Tarot experts; we have asked the FBI, the MI5, the Mossad; we have consulted Sain Baba, Bibi Jan, Dalai Lama. All of the evidence points firmly and unequivocally in this direction. It was not the bullets, it was not the bomb, it was not even the lever, it was sudden and unexpected release of trapped wind.

Tinpot: Is that why you hosed down the crime scene? That was a good way of securing evidence, hain ji? 

Witless: Sir ji, the DNA has been secured in the under ground water table, where it will be safe for up to 3million years, but the circumstantial evidence is incontrovertible. This was certainly not expected of a seasoned politician of her standing. She was repeatedly warned, especially after Karachi, of the clear and present danger stalking her, and to seek early treatment for indigestion. It is not our fault that she chose to ignore us. For our part we provided 30 commandos fully armed with soda mint. We made her a specially strengthened dais for the rally. We had a special trauma unit standing by, at the General Hospital, where she was taken to with the speed of lightning. She was treated there with large quantities of fruit salt, but to no avail. It was unfortunately too late.  

Tinpot: How are you going to ask the doctors to retract their statement? It is too late for that as well.  

Witless: I am sorry to inform you sir ji, that the senior registrar who issued that statement, has been shot during an attempted robbery at his house, and the rest of the doctors strangely not contactable. It is suspected they may have left for voluntary service in Waziristan, but we await confirmation. The new surgeon is going to record death due to natural causes.  

Tinpot: If you can do that, it will be a significant advance for the 3rd phase of transition to democracy and a setback for extremism. This tragedy should not dent our determination to fight the forces of fundamentalism and dyspepsia.


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Benazir | Musharraf

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