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Return of the Native

Tuzk e Jahangiri


By: Hakim Hazik

Have you nat heard sir ji? The rumour mill is working overtime; faster than the shukar mill af Choishujat; faster than the suo moto machine af sapreem coat. Journal Tinpot Bahadur is coming back!

Meermaqam has given fifty lakh. Qasurisab has given fifty lakh. I think so, Jaraj Bush will also give fifty lakh. Hunry Kissinger may also give. After all, this is matter af enlightened maderation. This is no small matter.

There is though, the small matter af Lal Maseet. The maulvis are still running  around like spinning tops, shouting mother sister. They will certainly go to the airpoat to embrace journal saab. As you know their embrace can take you satraight to janat ul firdaus, where you will be reunited with 72 virgins; one for each sect.

The Bugtis also want to embrace sir ji. They think that Nawabsab’s shroud is still free af dust and journal sahib can nat be singing duets with the tax chairman or playing harmonium like Bade Ghulam  Ali. They will want a piece af action. They will want a piece af journal saab.

But all this nakhra will be nothing if front af the mother af all embraces, the bear hug af the New and Independent Sapreem Coat af Pakistan. Journal Sahib may still have his SSG ribs, but they are no match far the full weight af the Suo Moto juggernaut with Big Choisab in the driving seat.

Journal Saab thinks he is impatent. He thinks he can go to patties in the middle af the night, that Journal Qureshi Saab used to arrange far him, drink Janny Walker and meet beautiful beautiful peepal.

Sir ji, those days are gaan. You are nat impatant. The gun is impatant. You do nat have sex peal. It is the gun. You tell me who has the gun naoo? Is it nat Journal Saab Kiyani? Do you think he is a choocha that he will give you the gun? I think so, you should sit down with Baig Saab and Meed Gul Saab. They will tell you nat to tharow good money after bad. They will tell you to keep your dallars. They will tell you to eat khameera gaoo zaban.

Or you can go to Mreeka. Give them the global war goli. Scare the day lights out af them. Charaj them a thousand dallars each. Tell them it is only you who stands between Disney Land and Mullah Omar. Make dollars while they last sir ji. The Ganga will nat flow far ever.

Keem Hazik Sahib has told me that you drive around in the bullet proof Mercery car, with commandos wearing sun shades.  Wise precaution sir ji. I would say wear bady armour as well. The knife af the sassin is in persoot. Stay away fram the Mill Hill area.

You say you want to save the country. Take my dvice sir ji. The best way to save the country is to stay out of it.

Mumd Jungeer Badar

Secty Journal

For more letters from Jahangir Badar click here




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