Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother in Islam,

Assalam u Alaikum

By the grace of Allah SWT and the Riyals of Your Majesty (May Allah be pleased with you), I have landed at the mutaar al duwali of JFK. I was driven at speed to Jackson Heights in Sayyara tul Limo to eat the halal head and feet of the pious and law abiding goats, just like the Aal e Imran have been eating my head and attacking my standing for the last 6 weeks.

I have checked into Funduq al Waldorf al Astoria in the meanwhile, next door to Brother Barak Husain, (May Allah be pleased with him), and one floor above from Brother Sisi, (May he face Allah’s justice). 

I am reminded of the time in 1999, when I came to the Islamic States of America to kiss the hands of Brother Clinton. (By that time he was not using them to grope any more). Your Bhabi came as well as Husain and Maryam, as at that time, we were unsure of our future abode.  Brother Tinpot was occupying the Tololing Hill and wanted me to get him down, with his vital glands still attached. Brother Vajpayee also wanted to get him down but was less fussy about the details. I was worried that if I went back, the 111 boys would be disrespectful and may try to interrupt the hotline to Haji Fazal Din, (Also available in Cuckoo’s Den).

Ya Jalalatul Mulk, 

Things have come full circle. Brother Imran is occupying Margalla. He wants me to get down from the hill. I have taken the precaution of getting your bhabi and Maryam to Mayfair. Brother Josh Eearnest has issued the statement supporting the rule of law in the Republic. Jazakallah wa Barakallah wa Barak al-Husain al-Obama. 

Ya akhi, 

Much as I appreciate your hospitality in the Saroor Palace, I would rather stay in Jati al Umra and come for voluntary Umrah and a bit of quantitative easing as required; rather than go for the Haj mandated by the Corps Commanders. 

Brother Raheel is a professional soldier. A professional soldier maintains honour and dignity while his hired mustaches maintain everything else, including the secret meetings in London, the barrage of stones on the Geo Office and the mangled corpses in Khuzdaar. 

O Pillar of Islam,

I have learnt a few things about psychology over the years. For example, when your bhabi says no, she means maybe. When she says maybe, she means yes; and if she says yes, she is not your bhabi. On the other hand, when General Bajwa says yes, he means maybe. When he says maybe, he means no; and if he says no, he is not General Bajwa. 

My best friend and mentor Hakim Hazik (after Haji Fazal Din), has sent me this poetry. I don’t understand it fully; Maybe you can:

Noon kya saada hain beemar huay jis kay sabab

ISi PR kay londay say dawa laitay hain. 

May the carbon in your footprint increase, 

Your Brother,

Noon.