Extraordinary Rendition

By Hakim Hazik

(National anthem plays)...

Ladies and gentlemen, Adas and Adis, you will have by now heard the news that the despised General Tinpot has fled the country for an unknown destination. The triumph of democracy is now complete and the sovereignty of the parliament is now fully established. By the grace of God and the blessings of the State Department, your brother intends to run this country as president.

To celebrate this historic occasion, a day of deliverance will be celebrated on this Friday. Special prayers will be offered in the mosques and a khatam will be offered in both houses of parliament, provincial assemblies, stock exchanges, privatisation commission, Citibank, Barclays, Chase Manahattan Bank, Habib Bank AG Zurich and in the Goldfinger House, to bless the soul of Shaheed Mohtarma.

Some of you may have come across the vicious propaganda that the American snoopers had the Shaheed Mohtarma by the throat regarding her bank accounts. This is complete lies and calumny. To have foreign bank accounts is a right of every Pakistani man and women. To have a foreign passport is the right of every Pakistani man and women. To leave Pakistan as soon as possible is the right of every Pakistani man and women. It is better to have our assets in foreign lands, than to have foreigners on our land.

This is why, our nation has raised its flag in every corner of the world, including tenement flats of Dubai, slums of Lancashire, hovels of Yorkshire and ghettos of Brooklyn. Our butts have been honoured by the kicks of foreign employers and our bank accounts by their salary. The boot of Ummah is firmly lodged on our behinds. What a supreme blessing. This is how we pursue happiness. We pursue happiness at the Greek border and in the Gulf Emirates, as stowaways on lorries, ships and motor boats. The pursuit of happiness is a fundamental human right.

The pursuit of gold is a fundamental human right. Adas and Adis, the real gold rush is about to begin. You will see that the foreign investors will beat a path to the presidency with your ada in the office. This is a critical juncture in our history. This is also a golden opportunity. Very soon the aspirations of people will be realised. People like Gold Digger Khan would not have to marry Goldsmith’s daughter to get their pot of gold. It will be available to every citizen at his doorstep. This is the time for all of us to forget our differences and stand together for the sake of democracy and the rule of your ada.

Mahajar and Pathan, Shia and Sunni, Wahabi and Qadiyani, Mullah Omar and Mahleej Sarkari should stand together, shoulder to bare shoulder, and work towards the only thing that matters in life. That, my dear Adas and Adis is 10% commission and an American Express card.

Long live Pakistan, Long live the Privatisation Commission, Long live foreign direct investment.

10% khapay.

See also: The Gold Connection, Rockwood Estate, HOUSE OF GRAFT

Also by Hakim Hazik: Joint Communiqué, Ladybird Ladybird, Chiropractic, The Liberation of Dubai