Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

After prolonged dialogue and several All Parties Conferences, including the Tea Party, the Monster Raving Loony Party and Maulana Tahir ul Qadri, a compromise was reached under the chairmanship of Mian Mohammad Aslam Kirla, the national icon and the veteran of several memorable election campaigns.

It was decided that a one to one meeting be held between the undisputed leader of the Ummah, Hakeemullah Mahsood, may Allah protect him from dengue and Imran Khan, the erstwhile winner of the Ghazwa e Hind and a Bollywood heart throb. 

The two leaders met over a cup of freshly brewed green tea, (Lipton Ltd, official sponsors of the Ghazwa e Hind) in a reinforced cave in Miran Shah, (invisible from outer space and visible only to the sadiq and the amin who have never urinated standing up.)

Unfortunately, Syed Munawwar Hasan could not attend, as he had prior commitments with Women’s Action Forum, attending a workshop on the redeeming features of the stoning to death of the rape victims, to protect the integrity of the Ummah and to promote the freedom of women. 

There were some teething problems, as the plenipotentiary, Mrs Shirin Mazari, the erstwhile GHQ heart throb, was denied entry into the negotiations, mainly because of her beard. It was felt that it did not conform to the standards of piety set by sharia. This minor hiccup was easily overcome after the intervention of the Saudi Ambassador and Russel Brand who gave personal guarantees on behalf of the the Saudi Government and Jemima Khan respectively. (May Allah increase her Twitter followers). 

Both leaders agreed that the time has come to end this war which is not our war and has been imposed on us by George W Bush and  Aqeel Karim Dheddy. They decided that the Army will withdraw from FATA and concentrate on the developing an international brand of corn flakes and participate with its highly regarded band in the forthcoming marriage of Salman Khan and Lulia Vantur. 

The TTP, on the other hand promised to end violence against barbers and primary school teachers and concentrate on developing financial services so that the jizya can be collected through internet banking and contract killing can be made available to the ordinary citizens on dialing a free phone number; thus bringing the neglected frontier region at par with the rest of the country. 

The infamous FCR from the times of the foreign occupiers would be abolished and in its place the Nizam e Adl regulation, developed by the eminent jurist, Mullah Fazlullah would be implemented. Mullah Fazlullah communicated directly with the two leaders from Kunar Province where he is currently on holiday. The leaders spoke on a secure link via Warid Telecom. (Very attractive offer on the all-night package.)

There was consensus that main threat to the nation is from the law and order situation in Karachi which the financial hub of the Ummah, and provides one half of the GDP of Al-Qaida. Once we have all the stock brokers and the election commission beheaded, peace will return to the region. 

The delegates were served the highest quality canabis Khurasan has to offer, as they issued the press statement.