Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

All we want is the rule of sharia in the country. If that is implemented, peace will prevail and the war will come to an end. The Emir ul Momineen, Maulana Fazlullah will descend from the Hindukush mountains on his noble white steed and will address the nation on FM radio. He will behead the heads of the NGOs and distribute sewing machines among Mrs. Mazari and Mrs. Qasuri so that she can contribute to the GDP from the security of their own homes. The remains of the enemies of Islam will be dug up and be displayed in the public thoroughfares. Rebellious women will be held down by pious men and flogged in accordance with the injunctions of the holy sharia.

Taliban are our misled brothers. The Emirul Momineen was misled by the mischievous, zionist and uncircumcised Google Maps® and ended up in Nangarhar via Bajaur instead of Islamabad via Kahuta. The time has now come to correct this historic injustice. His cavalcade will arrive just before Friday prayers at Lal Masjid, where he will be received by Junaid Jamshed in designer, above ankles, shalwar suit, singing nasheeds on halal tambourines. After delivering the sermon, the leader will be accompanied by Maulana Samiul Haq to the Marriott where he will inaugurate the halal sandwich bar, run by the famous entrepreneur, Madame Tahira. (Private rooms are available, Madame’s special by appointment only).

A new era is beginning. The caliphate will be ushered in a century after its last remnants were extinguished by the Triple Entente. Maulana Abdul Aziz Ghazi al-Houdini will address the Ummah and will dilate upon techniques of survival against overwhelming infidel gunfire. He will discuss the finer points of shuttle cock burqa over a Dior® abaya and the preference unto Allah SWT of the former over the latter. 

It is wrong to say that the negotiating committee were not aware of their own appointment. Professor Ibrahim was phoned personally by Brother Shahid Ullah Shahid and, in turn, took permission from Maulana Cockerel to participate. As our readers will be well aware, the Maulana Cockerel has been at the forefront of the efforts to protect women against sexual violence and has received numerous civil and military honours including Joseph Kony Ummah Award for war against rape. Mr Kony can not be here for the negotiations, as he is busy improving the human condition in Central African Republic. 

Unfortunately, Asmatullah Muawiya can not be here either. He is on a fact finding mission to the K-2 base camp. On his way back he will pick up the odd ibex and the straggling Shia pilgrim. He has sent a video message to Brother Irfan Siddiqui via Umar Media, (Percussion only background music). ‘We support the negotiations between the Tehrik e Taliban Pakistan and the infidel Government in Islamabad, till such time that Jamia Hafsa is liberated and Jamia Faridia is relaunched. We will not rest in peace till Sister Aafia Siddiqui is safely reunited with her suicide vest.’

Islam is the solution.