Transcultural Dialogues
By Hakim Hazik
General Tinpot: Hello Doctor Sahib, the world must be coming to an end. There are one eyed monsters everywhere. The infidel aircraft are slaughtering the faithful soldiers of the Tinpot army. The sun is blazing at the height of one spear and a quarter. There is no power and no water. This must be the end of time.
Dr Apocalypse: It may be the end of your time General, for me this is only the beginning. This is the transition from the world of Lahoot to the world of Nasoot; the time for the Tajalliat; for new visions, a new life.
T: You seem to have picked up a lot of new vocabulary Doctor Sahib; and not the kind that Dr Israr would approve of.
A: This is a new age General sahib. A new era has dawned. This the era of meritocracy, where a person with an ordinary background like myself, can aspire towards the highest office in the land; that of the Co-Chairman of the Party. One is not beholden to marriage, lineage, contacts, nepotism, bribery or blackmail. Have some coffee.
T: If you insist. This is a long way from Darya Ganj, when my grandma used to make me drink Hakim Ajmal’s joshanda; and from the Staff College, where the single malt was de rigueur. Now Dr Ishrat Longknives and your good self insist that I drink coffee to spare my liver. Between you and me, I am also trying some Turkish Qahwah, when nobody is looking. I know that Ironside wants to lace my coffee with hemlock, but his nefarious designs will never be fulfilled.
A: Dr Israr follows too fierce an outlook, to be suitable for our people, General Sahib. Our genius aspires towards Sufism; in addition to presidential system of government, military rule, National Security Council, local self government, purified heroin, hook worm infestation and Hepatitis C. It is essential to honour these aspirations General Sahib. That is why I have become a born again Sufi, of the great tariqah order of Smooth Transition. It is called ‘Silsila Democratia Moderatia Negropontia’. I burn a candle on the shrine of Hazrat Baba Goldfinger, every day and kiss the ground in front of the electrified fence of Bilawal House.
T: Your viewers must miss you Doctor Sahib?
A: I would say to my viewers to look after themselves, their friends, relatives, neighbours, pets, lapdogs, camp followers, stooges and lackeys. In the meanwhile, don’t be too worried about me. You can rest assured that I will look after myself. And also my lord and master and yours, Senator Goldfinger whose blessed and far reaching finger is in every corporate, political, foreign and domestic pie. Haq Hoo.
Please also see ‘The End of Time’
Also by Hakim Hazik: I Love Polo, Deal Deal Pakistan