Extraordinary Rendition

By Hakim Hazik 

My name is Moonscape Chira. I am the right hand man of Co-chairman Goldfinger. Brother Naek is his left one. He doubles as his polo pony and legal adviser. I am also the Co-chairman’s masseur. We all work flexibly.  

The PPP is a party of martyrs. The martyred chairman Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto gave his blood for democracy, as did the martyred chairperson Benazir, as did the hundreds and thousands of our workers in Sind, in Karachi, in Rawalpindi and across the country. These were valiant deeds. These were mighty sacrifices. They came to fruition, when the Co-chairman Senator Goldfinger was sprung from prison, and more remarkably, stayed out of prison. He is leading the nation out of the current quagmire.  

A milestone was achieved on 18^th of February when the anti-democratic forces were trounced in the elections. As a result, the co-chairman is able to speak directly, without an intermediary, to Assistant Secretary Boucher on the phone. This is a most remarkable and historic achievement. Pakistan has become the most allied of non NATO allies, and it occupies the pride of place in the vassal states of the Empire. This goes to show the triumph for democracy and the fact that the blood of the martyrs was not shed in vain.  

As a result of this wonderful turnaround in the fortunes of the nation, Brother Gilani has been invited by President No Clue (Jr.), to come to the White House, kiss the ground of the Oval Office and feed the (lame) ducks in the South Lawn. Never before in the history of our country, have such dizzying heights of fame and fortune been achieved.   

The Co-chairman is holding the chairmanship of the Party in sacred trust, until the Chairman himself returns with his heavenly mandate, signed by God, the Oxford dons, and the State Department, to lead the nation to the Promised Land. You will find people who will say that we are already there since 1947, but they would be wrong. The Promised Land is to be found in the Defence Housing Societies, in Chak Shehzad and in Okara Farms, and only the true democrats are allowed to have it.  

You will see that all these tough decisions require deep thinking and the ability to make hard choices. The Co-chairman has not been found wanting. Unfortunately, the same can not be said of his coalition partner, Mian Ironside. Whenever he has opened his mouth to comment on the national affairs, he has mostly emitted hot air and greenhouse gases, thus adding to the environmental degradation. Ali Ahmed Kurd and Aitazaz Ahsan are not much better. Their fire breathing rhetoric is not helping the democracy or the environment. Instead, it is increasing global warming, melting the polar ice cap, causing top soil erosion, and hurricanes in Balochistan.  

The despised dictatorial regime is gone. There are only a few relics remaining. But not all the functionaries were bad. Some of them acquitted themselves of their duties with honour and dedication. I would particularly like to mention Brother Mohammad Ali, who acquired the honorific title of Ghalat Biyani. I have inherited this title. I love it. I also like this one: ‘Moonscape Chire, pants on fire’.