Dear countrymen,

Our recent strategy of abandoning our axes in favor of firearms is likely to pay rich dividends in near future. It could even endear us to the snooping human rights activists who abhor beheadings due to some skewed logic of their own but may  take more kindly to bombing or shooting at point-blank range. In the meanwhile we must go on protecting our culture, morality, rich folklore and myths with gusto lest a heretic should decide to dismantle them. We are safe for the time being as according to a recent opinion poll at least 25% of liberal and moderate middle class Pakistanis are still supporting us and our spiritual guru, Mr. Bin Laden (currently in hiding to evade persecution). Our approval rating has however fallen compared to August last year which is an alarming trend and we must wake up to certain realities on the ground.
The realties on the ground are following: there are infidels and deviants in our midst who wish to sabotage our agenda of smooth transition to a new world order. The list is long but on top of the list is a self styled Justice, Iftikhar Ch. Look what he has written in a recent letter to the international community: ‘If civilized norms of justice will not be allowed to operate then that space will, inevitably, be occupied by those who believe in more brutal and instant justice: the extremists in the wings. Those are the very elements the world seems to be pitted against. Those are the very elements the actions of the General are making way for’.
 The Justice, quite unjustly, further says: ‘After all, the edifice of an independent judicial system alone stands on the middle ground between these two extremes. If the edifice is destroyed by the one, the ground may be taken over by the other. That is what is happening in Pakistan. Practitioners of rough and brutal justice will be welcomed in spaces from where the practitioners of more refined norms of justice and balance have been made to abdicate’.
You must be wary of the gimmicks of the Justice, for he is not a trustworthy fellow and given to using brutal tactics against emissaries of peace. Repose your trust in qazis, scholars and praetorian guards. The statements they give after our emissaries of peace send their colleagues to heaven are highly motivational. However, when it comes to awards distribution less deserving candidates are favored. There fore, reject the here and now which is transitory and focus on eternal life of the hereafter (of your countrymen). You must stick to your ideology, no matter how confusing, and enjoy your killing spree while it lasts.
 
With best wishes,
Dua Go,
President of the FOOLISH
UTE of FATA