Extraordinary Rendition
By Hakim Hazik
Lady bird lady bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, your children all gone
Do you want an ice-lolly? I so love summer. I love travelling, especially to Washington, but the cost of flying has gone up. I have uncles who are rich and famous and can fix anything. That is why my uncle Goldfinger went to Riyadh, his Sindhi topi in hand. He spread his ajrak on the ground, and sat on it till Uncle Abdullah dropped him a cheque of 6 billion dollars and all was well.
We even tried to convert our plane to Sui Gas, but the tribals blew up the pipeline. They are always blowing up the pipeline, just because Uncle Tinpot had their chief shot, although he saved his glasses, and his wrist watch. They showed no gratitude. They are such a spiteful bunch. Blood thirsty and treacherous savages, untouched by civilisation.
The air fare came to 70 million rupees. That is not a problem. I am not paying. Uncle Moustache is paying. He is a very successful dairy farmer. He has so many cows, of the famous breed called Taxpayer. When they are not in milk, there is Auntie Shamshad with her printing press. She is the famous publisher of fairy stories, so well known for giving comfort to children with special needs, and also little notes called money. Money is everything. It is nice to have so many loving and caring uncles and aunts.
I don’t think you have met Uncle Giuliani. Many people don’t know that he is the prime minister. He does not get out much, but he is also a very caring person. He was handpicked by Uncle Goldfinger from a handful of loyal uncles. When we got to Washington, he went around the White House a number of times. He was told by the security, that this is not allowed and he is in the wrong country for Umra. He can get confused sometimes. Before he was handpicked, he was in prison for a while, where his main diversion was handicrafts.
Uncle Bush was very courteous to Uncle Giuliani. He asked him about Brooklyn. He told him that by the grace of God, everything was OK in Jackson Heights and on Coney Island Avenue, but actually he was not the mayor of New York; rather, he was the prime minister of Pakistan. Easy mistake to make, said Uncle Bush. Where else in the world, ordinary citizens have automatic weapons, violent gangs run inner cities, poor die without medical care, and national elections are fixed? 'Pakistan', said Uncle Giuliani, 'USA', said Uncle Bush. They were so happy together.
Uncle Bush gave him 4 F-16’s, virtually free, at the throw away price of 20 million dollars each. This will please Uncle Kayani, who was not very happy with the birthday gift of the ISI to Uncle Rehman Dacait. Oh, I have so much shopping to do. And when I get back home, I will buy some delectable journalists. Uncle GF has given me the money. Are you sure you don’t want an ice-lolly?
