Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Meray Aziz Ham Watno, especially the Nizam Din Shamiana Merchants, I thank you for coming to this press conference. I am not afraid of any one except Allah who is the ruler of the universe, including Dera Bugti and King Abdullah who is the ruler of all the warriors who fight for the supremacy of Islam, the Prophet and the progeny of the Prophet.

Sadly, Nawab Bugti can not be here today because of prior engagements. It was not me who fired the missile. It was the magazine inside the cave that blew up. That can happen if the caves are not strategically deep. That is why you should only rely on caves built by the Frontier Works Organization, like the high performance ones in Tora Bora, which stood the test of time and of Daisy Cutters.   

About a thousand soldiers of the NLI can not be here today either. They have gone AWOL in the Kargil-Dras sector. I would encourage them to return to their duties. Their foremost duty is to protect the integrity of the country and of the progeny of the Prophet. It is in the interest of the country that my head remains attached to my shoulders in the foreseeable future, so that I can lead the country out of this present predicament and give the news of a new dawn to the Islamic Republic of Facebook. 

Maulana Abdul Aziz has forgiven me. For this I thank him. As a gesture of goodwill, I am happy to forego the charges for the burqa, provided to him from the National Tinpot Discretionary Fund. Nobody died in the Lal Masjid. These are the lies concocted by the fervid imagination of Umme Hassan. I am a friend of Kalpars. They are friends of Pakistan. I am a friend of Pakistan. I am moderately enlightened in addition to being moderately educated and moderately truthful. Islam teaches us moderation. 

The time has come to modernise Islam. The time has come to modernise the Facebook. By the grace of the Almighty God, and my body guards from the SSG, I am the right person to carry out both these tasks. By the grace of the Almighty God, you will see very soon the green banner of Islam unfurled on the Facebook and Islam offered for an IPO on the international markets. 

I am for a formal role of the army in the government. I have been long of the opinion that there should be a National Security Council which should deal with the strategic issues such as which politicians to execute in the best national interest and which generals to rehire to ensure the success of the Royal Palm Golf and Country Club. I am not against the civilian participation in the government but they lack the qualities of leadership which can only be acquired in the military academies, run by dedicated and learned scholars such as Al-Sheikh OBL, living in anonymous proximity.  

As far as the trial, treason and Article 6 is concerned, it applies to the Field Marshall as well. I think, Chaudhry Sahib and Arsalan Beta know this. 

General Syed Tinpot

APML