Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Things have come to a pass where people are asking to launch an operation if there are any more attacks. This war was imposed  on us. Those who attack us are our misguided brothers. We cannot allow guided missiles to kill our misguided brothers. All we need is a rightly guided caliph and we can be on the path to peace and prosperity.

All the foreign agencies are involved. These attackers are foreign agents. When they are killed by foreign missiles, they are our brothers. Some of them are not circumcised. They work for RAW. We need dialogue. War is not the solution. I have visited all the tribal areas. Nobody has ever won there. The British could not win there in a hundred years. The Americans have accepted their defeat. How can we win where the world’s super powers have failed. We must talk. We must isolate those who do not want to talk. Once they are isolated, we can have a war. I salute Chaudhry Nisar because he wants to talk. I share the focus of thought and action and the hair dye with him. 

These liberals are fascists. How can the liberals support war? I am a liberal. I do not support war. I support those who are killed. They are shaheed. I support those who killed them. They are also shaheed. They are our misguided, angry, sincere and circumcised brothers. You can give me the authority and I can talk to them. I do not want any thing in return. Peace will be enough reward for me. I can live in the knowledge that the Asian Elephant is safe, as I sip non-alcoholic cocktails in Annabel’s.

I miss Brother Pasha. He was not misguided. He could be angry from time to time. He had a great talent for spotting talent. He spotted Mansoor Ijaz, the world expert on strategic depth and female wrestling just as I spotted Mrs. Mazari. He got the better of Syed Saleem Shahzad who was a RAW agent and not a shaheed. 

When Hazaras are killed, my heart bleeds. When polio workers are killed, I am devastated.   When Aizaz was martyred, I was in tears. But, I just cannot spell the word Taliban. I am working on it with Mrs Mazari, who, as you know has won many a spelling bee competition. Both she and I are great comrades. Together, we are working on an IQ which we hope to acquire before the local bodies elections and much before the biometric system. Certainly before Maulvi Fazlullah gets to Banni Gala. 

Drones are an attack on our sovereignty. F16s are not an attack on our sovereignty. We have bought them with our own hard earned IMF tranches and with the help of the deferred payments by the brotherly oily kingdom. Those who are killed by F16, die secure in the knowledge, that there has not been any breach in our sovereignty. 

The tsunami is not coming, it has already come. The Ummah is one holy community from Banni Gala to Jerusalem.