Letter to Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Sahib-Al-Naft, Jalalat-ul-Carbon, please accept greetings from your brother and salutations from your bhabi.

Your Majesty, I must pay tribute to yourself and the whole Aal e Naft for the immense contribution made to the renaissance of the Ummah. You have not only turned the land of oil and sand into the land of milk and honey, but also made it the scientific and cultural capital of the world.

The trail blazer, of course, was Shaikh Abdul Aziz bin Baz who, based on meticulous analysis of data from Mt Palomer, made the seminal discovery that the earth was flat. This has inspired the peerless social scientist of Al-Azhar, Mufti Atiya to define the work relations between working men and women. The whole mankind owes him a debt of gratitude. 

I am thinking how best to serve the Ummah. I have decided that the best way yours truly and your bhabi can contribute is to start a dynasty. I will call myself Sharif of Makkah Sharif. This sounds much better than Sharif of Jati Umrah. Husain will become the king of Jordan. The Ummah needs him, as King Husain has died and Saddam Husain has also gone to face the heavenly joint session. 

The Chief Servitor has already started. He has gone to travel on the well trodden pathway of My Feudal Lord. He has become, like your self, a servant of Harmain Shareefain. However, unlike you, he has achieved this feat through marriage. God bless him and his staff. Ummah would be utterly adrift, if it was not for restorative scalp surgery and khameera murwareed with jawarish of viagra. 

The President is sacrificing black goats. He actually wants to sacrifice black coats. (White  wigs are welcome but have become very expensive to buy as the rate is linked to the consumer price index.) God keep them on the straight path and narrow; and make them the mount of the pious and the God fearing, such as yours truly, on the day of judgement. May God shower his mercy on the President and preserve and sustain the fruit of his loins preferably in the western hemisphere.

I think, your Royal Highness, to serve the Ummah properly, a harem is necessary. It adds to the the wealth of nations and brings rewards to the faithful in this world and the next. I have started efforts in this regard. I have bought expensive gifts such as i-phones for the prospective harems and built Kalma Chowk for the glory of the Ummah and as a tribute to its male members. 

It is also essential Your Majesty that the spread of the true message be accompanied by spiritual guidance of an enlightened mentor. As you are the heir to the great tradition of Mohammad bin Abdul Wahab from the eighteenth century and the great reserves of fossil fuel form the Cambrian age, I wonder if you would not mind continuing to provide the spiritual underpinning of the Ummah, as well as the financial underpinning, which the IMF and OBL are no longer able to offer due to American imperialist intervention.

Yours Very Truly, 

Al Malik MMN Sharif (Al Aulaki)

Emir of the Faithful, 

In the Peninsula of Jati Umrah

Hakim Hazik blogs at justicedeniedpk.com