Extraordinary Rendition

By Hakim Hazik 

Your Supreme Royal Highness, Custodian of The Holy Places, Defender of Faith, Guardian of Sharia, please accept our greetings from the Islamic Republic. I and your Bhabi can not forget the time we spent at your feet. I hope they are less swollen now and your rheumatism is better.  

I and your Bhabi pray day and night for your long life and health; an optimal blood glucose, a high HDL cholesterol, a sound systolic blood pressure and a continuing ability to sire virtuous male children, who can grow up and defend the faith in the strongholds of infidels, such as Monte Carlo and Las Vegas, by laying them low at Black Jack and at the roulette table.  

May God protect the Kingdom from the enemies of Islam. May God protect the Kingdom from the friends of Islam.  

Your Highness the news from the Islamic Republic is not good. Your brother has been disqualified. With your blessings, God will wreak vengeance on those who have carried out this infamy.  

You will remember your highness that General Tinpot asked me to sign a deal, as he held a gun to my head. It was the bullet or the exile. I chose exile. The Americans held a gun to his head and asked him to sign a deal. It was either the bullet or Sister BB. He chose sister BB, but what he has got is brother AZ. Brother AZ signed a deal with your brother, when we were holding hands. But in this country Your Highness, no deal is any good without somebody holding a gun . This is what I tell Brother Aitazaz, but he does not listen. Your Bhabi listens. She is fast turning into a heavy artillery gun. 

Your Highness, as the body mass index of your Bhabi goes up, the KSE index is going down. Your Highness, only a few people remember the days of my government, when every one had access to justice and people lived in peace and prosperity. The rates of  bribes were reasonable, all citizens could afford qabza groups and syndicate killings. Provision of justice was easy and quick.  

Shehbaz Sahib made legal history by implementing the super-efficient and foolproof judicial method, called the police muqabla. We implemented virtue and eradicated vice, specially from the Supreme Court, Friday Times and Jang Akhbar. Upright, honest citizens took it upon themselves to enter the Supreme Court and eradicate corruption and avarice, that had taken root there; and install God fearing, reputable and honest judges, who would accept money only in brief cases, and only from retired judges.  

Not like these PCO judges, who start salivating when they hear the sound of military boots. And also, have you noticed how shiny and clean are Brother AZ’s shoes? He says, cleanliness is next to godliness.  

PS: Please accept attached herewith, the fresh Siri Payas from Haji Fazal Din and special Gajar ka Halwa, made by your Bhabi 

Your Brother, (Haji) MMN Sharif (PMLN)

Also by Hakim Hazik: I Came, I Sa, I Canquered, Think Tank, Spinmaster General, May His Tribe Increase,