Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear male members of the Ummah, greetings from Islamabad.

The Ummah has woken up at last. I am very pleased to inform that the writ of the state is now firmly established. I mean the writ of the state of Swat over Islamabad. We have no quarrels with the west, as long as it submits to flogging. We will welcome international assistance in the area of flogging.

The personnel of various research institutes such as Playboy Inc., in the US including floggers, slappers and cross dressers will be welcome as long as they are ready to convert to the True Faith and to male sex. After a little training, they can be appointed as judges of the High Court. Flogging should not be unnecessarily maligned. In expert hands it can be fun.

The issue of Chand Bibi has been blown out of proportion. There are various issues which require attention. Firstly, the video was obviously a fake and planted by the Americans to scuttle the Nizam e Adal. Second, the flogging was technically flawed,  I would have flogged her in the upright position, according to the dictates of Sharia. Third, she should have been stoned to death and flogging was an error of judgment. Fourth Chand Bibi does not exist. Lastly, we should not talk about it. We should talk about the future.

The future obviously  lies in beheading and shooting in the head. In the hue and cry about Chand Bibi, people have overlooked the other glorious achievement of the writ of the state: The shooting in the head of the female NGO workers in Mansehra. I congratulate the operatives of the Grand Shoora on there accuracy, professionalism and dedication to the rule of law.

Democracy is dangerous. It is a western concept and does not belong to the land of the True Faith. It leads to corruption, sedition, terror and unrest. The faithful should be protected against this by all means possible. Sovereignty belongs to God. God tells us that the state should be run by pious men. Men who are good at flogging; who wear their hair long and their trousers short. Only they can establish the writ of the state and the rule of law.

We do not need lawyers. We do not need civil judges. They should retrain as executioners. They could retrain as truck drivers or drug traffickers. Trade is allowed in the True Faith. We do not need sharp tongued advocates with law degrees. We need pious men with sharp swords and cracking whips. We need speedy justice. We need Toyota Hiace. We need Kalashnikovs.

The task at hand is to eliminate the injustice in the society by supporting the Nizam e Adal regulation. It should be applied equally without regard for social position and privilege. The day is not far off when the daughters of the rich as well the daughters of the poor will be flogged side by side without discrimination, judiciously, accurately and in the upright position.

Maulana SM

Chief Justice of Swat and Pakistan

Emir of the Faithful

Caliph of God

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