Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Colleagues,

We are gathered here today to celebrate the unprecedented achievements of our valiant armed forces but also to take stock of the serious challenges facing the nation. I am very pleased to announce that our armed forces acting with great courage, determination, foresight and self sacrifice have established 20 marriage halls up and down the country.

This tremendous feat remains unparalleled in the annals of armed conflict. Aspiring young couples can get married to the tune of patriotic songs played by the delightful army band. This will encourage them to quickly turn to the national duty of producing upright progeny, who will go on to scale heights of glory in the fields of real estate, industry and business. The guests can eat healthy bread, fresh off the state of the art, specially produced, alloy metal ovens, which are a tribute to our defence industry. The flour is supplied from the world renowned Okara farms which are cultivated with meticulous care to the highest international standards.

We are not unaware that our enemy has tried to undermine this great national project, by infiltrating and indoctrinating the local peasants, who till these farms. I will not mince my words when I say that these enemies of the state not be given any quarter. They will be wiped out with the total might of our fearless defence forces.

I would like to report with great pleasure that Swat is at peace at last. The nation and the world has heaved a sigh of relief. This would not have been possible without the single minded devotion and sense of purpose of our great friend and colleague, Field Marshal Maulana Fazlulla. I must also pay tribute to his illustrious father in law and world renowned academic, Dr Sir Maulana Sufi Mohammad.

I regret to inform you that the Field Marshal cannot be here today in person, as he is touring the valley on his famous white steed, to identify and flog the antisocial bottoms. He will, of course, send a video report of any such events, via our teleconferencing facilities. This method of containment of the threats to national security, as well as slitting of treasonous throats, as developed by the Field Marshal, has become and will remain the lynchpin of our national defence strategy.

There remains the problem of insurgency at our western border. I think we can learn from another contemporary theatre of war, the Al Anbar province. Senior military leadership has been to visit this site and we are impressed at the success achieved by arming and empowering the local militias. I think there is a good chance that we can replicate this success in the Bajaur area. We are in the process of arming the local tribes. As they like to slaughter each other with great relish, we are quite confident that peace can be achieved quickly. We are not yet at the stage of providing them with nuclear weapons, but other conventional and non-conventional weapons have been made available.

Once these people are empowered to defend themselves, we can turn our full attention to real defence issues which matter to the nation, starting with building another 20 marriage halls.

Pakistan Zindabad  

Iman, Taqwa and Real Estate