Extraodinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Geo are the criminals. They conducted an elections survey before the polls, they did an exit poll, they had pundits and psephologists and statisticians. All these criminal activities were carried out in broad daylight by Iftikhar Ahmed, in cahoots with Nawaz Sharif, Iftikhar Chaudhry, RAW and Mosad. The conspiracies against the Pakistani nation and the nation’s favourite Sensitive Agency were perfected by the fascist BBC, CNN and Fox News on the American payroll.

We are on nobody’s payroll. Mullah Mississauga is heeding the voice of conscience that calls him to do the right thing, and lay down his life for Islam, depending on the weather forecast (in the Greater Toronto Area) and the pollen count (in D chowk). The nation’s favourite Sensitive Agency has nothing to do with it. It has also nothing to do with the spontaneous outpouring of anger in Islamabad, so that perfectly ordinary, patriotic citizens have made high quality posters and displayed their love and respect for the bullets firmly lodged in the bellies of foul mouthed journalists. 

Our enemies are gaining political mileage out of this show of histrionics. Have you seen the Indian media gleefully pouncing on our beloved Sensitive Agency? Freedom of expression does not mean that you can start broadcasting news. You can broadcast the highly acclaimed plays of the PTV and Hum TV and the cricket matches from Dubai and the ISPR statements on the miscreants being overpowered, but to actually broadcast news is a feckless and treasonous activity. Any broadcast of news is against the Objectives Resolution and our beloved armed forces and will be crushed with an iron hand. 

Hamid Mir has failed to do his patriotic duty. He has refused to die and thus wantonly ignored the foremost responsibility of any Pakistani shot by the competent authority in the greater national interest. Not only that, he is shamelessly recovering in a hospital. To add insult to injury, he is involved in false and vicious propaganda trying to mislead people into believing dangerous notions about democracy and human rights. The fundamental human rights have all been outlined in the Aabpara manual of enhanced interrogation. Please order your copy now. Send an e-mail to General Bajwa. 

We must do our best to preserve the Asian Elephant. It is a threatened species. It is being killed right and left by unscrupulous poachers for it body parts to be sold in the illegal market. I have joined Lady Annabel to form an alliance (of a non marital nature). On the other hand, we have acquired too many journalists, doctors and university professors who have turned against the Objectives Resolution. They should be culled in a humane manner by employing gunmen on motor bikes. A service delivered at your doorstep, by the sensitive franchisees of the Sensitive Agency. 

I have embraced Chaudhry Gujrat. He is a changed man. Just as Sheikh Jingle Bells is a changed man. Slowly slowly, Quaid e Tehreek will also change.

Change is not coming, it has already come.