Extraordinary Rendition
Hakim Hazik
After burning the midnight oil and undertaking arduous journeys to the holy land our financial wizard has cracked it. He had the 1.5 billion under his Ahram when he went to the Haram Sharif form Riyadh. Therefore, the dollars are halal and blessed by the Imam of Kaaba and Allah SWT. We can use them to fill all the stadia in the Republic and smash the Guinness book record by making the biggest flag of Khurasan the world has ever seen.
This will teach these pesky Bangladeshis a lesson. They have been trying to be a bit uppity by pretending to own the previous record and trying to hang the pro-Republic citizens on frivolous charges of a minor and insignificant genocide.
The export of small arms is under strict public safeguards. It is meant for the use of the Royal armed forces against the likes of Somali witches and Bangladeshi bandits. It will never be allowed to be used by the women drivers unless they first renounce the horseless carriage and promise to look after their own ovaries. They will also be required to sign a declaration that they will not name their first born a ‘Blue Doorknob’, nor tweet against Allah SWT nor read philosophy in the universities funded by the Servitor of the Two Holy Harems.
The pipeline is definitely off. It would be totally irresponsible to allow the heretic gas to enter the holy confines of the Republic and violate the sanctity of the nihari eaten by the pious household of the Prime Minister and offered to the 37th negotiating committee which is negotiating diligently and directly with the third cousin of Mullah Fazlullah, twice removed. (On the mother’s side).
These talks are fully supported by the whole nation including the APC, Veena Malik, the Chief of Army Staff and Mujaddid Alf e Sani. Never before in the history of the Ummah has the Ummah been on the same page for so long for so much at stake. (Except of course Imran Khan who has been on the same page, trying to spell ‘Taliban’, so that he can issue a condemnation on the next suicide attack.)
As a gesture of goodwill and brotherly affection, the Servitor of the Two Holy Harems has offered to upgrade the International Islamic University. Dr Bashirud Din Mahmood has graciously accepted the post of the new vice chancellor. He will address the correlation of the sunspot activity and its effect on the wild cats of Jati Umra who are becoming increasingly belligerent and attacking peace loving and non combatant peacocks, fully supportive of the reduction in the age of puberty.
The female faculty will be required to abjure motorised vehicles and Chanel le Ligne eye liner, as both can provide inroads to Mosad lead to disorder and unrest in the society.
Syed Drone ul Ummat has issued a statement saying that the slain peacock was a shaheed whereas Maulana Fazlur Rehaman as said that the question of shahadat does not arise, as the dead bird was not a dog. A cigarette end was found by the mutilated corpse. The DNA analysis is a perfect match with the performing seal currently resident in the Lahore Zoo, leading to the conclusion that Navy Seals were involved.
Imran Khan has said that this attack is an attack on our sovereignty and a direct consequence of sending our troops into FATA and entering into a war which is not our war. He also said that the stray cats are our misguided brothers and should be brought to the negotiating table under the ambit of the constitution.
May Allah’s benedictions envelop us and give us halal dollars on deferred payment. May Allah protect us from sunspots, wild cats and women drivers. May Allah’s peace and blessings be on the finance minister.