People of Birmingham, Lend Me Your Ears

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Welcome to this launch party of Chairman Bilawal Bhutto Zardari. Many of you have been on launches in the past after paying large amounts of money to Greek human smugglers. You are all hard working people. The motherland is proud of you. We are very grateful for the money you send to Pakistan. It keeps the country going and pays for the essentials of life such as this trip. I can assure you that your money is safe in numbered Swiss accounts and no enemies of the people from the Supreme Court can ever lay their dirty hands on it.

Floods, floods, floods. Why are the enemies of the people making such a hue and cry? Has the Indus not over flown before? It has been doing that for millions of years. People have been dying for thousands of years. Only when the people’s government is in power, every political actor and enemy of democracy starts foaming at the mouth.

The people’s government is working hard. Gilani Sahib is in charge. He has utilised every possible photo opportunity to wade into the knee deep flood water to support a soft image. He has inspected every fake hospital to feed the newsreels to the hungry media. But the media won’t be satisfied. They have to be fed murder and mayhem. They do not like good news. They are hand in glove with Taliban. They will only be satisfied if people’s leaders are beheaded.

There is plenty of good news. By the grace of God, we have found the black box in Margalla. No important people have been killed in Karachi. Only night-watchmen, rickshaw drivers and other riffraff. The total this year has not exceeded seven hundred. We have made sure that the coffins are sent back to Khyber Pukhtoonkhwa in a swift and humane fashion and children find lucrative employment as garbage collectors.

Dear Comrades,

People’s Party is not afraid of martyrdom. We have given our blood for the country. The dignity of sacrifice is everlasting. The world itself is transient and will pass. It is totally false that Kayani Sahib held a gun to my head. It is completely untrue that Pasha Sahib applied a thumbscrew or pulled out my nails. Such rumours are spread by enemies of the state to demoralise and defeat our democracy. The extension was given on merit and merit alone. I salute the professionalism and bravery of Field Marshal Kayani. I pray that he has a long life and keeps his gun in the holster.

At Chequers, I held my head high. I looked Cameron into the eye and said, we are not looking both ways. Our gaze is firmly fixed on your wallet. We want trade not aid. Our value added exports such as suicide jackets and bombs in aerosol containers are the best in the world. You can help democracy by trading with us.

We need to increase people to people contact, especially in the world of arts. We like martial arts and also the Field Marshal’s arts.

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