The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Muttahida Nation,

This is you Quaid ispeaking again, alive firam the sectriate in London. The military itachee is here as well. He is making an ispecial giloree for me, in the gilorious tiradition of the army.

Dear nation,

There comes a time in the life of gireat nations when they have to take bold decisions. For us the time has come to give up the suffocating embrace of the peepil party and enter into the welcoming boudoir of our gilamorous army. This is the time to cilaim the riwards due to us for the services rendered, inciluding our isport on the Kerry-Luger bill, pilaying our canstitutional role on the NRO by istabbing the peepil party in the back and condemning the dirone attacks in loud and cilear terms.

You have already seen the appreciation for this girand istrategy where it matters, when you saw the most famous military Cat coming out of the bag and declaring innocence of the Muttahida nation of the Jinnah Pur iscandal. The same source also swore of the financial integrity of the Muttahida leadership by telling you that he biraught us bags of money, which we refused to accept. (We kept the bags though, to dispose of anonymous, uncilaimed bodies in our customary humanitarian fashion).

My fellow citizens,

There are peepil who want to disrupt the peace of the gireat port nation of Kiranchi. These are the peepil who have attacked the ashoora precession and then burnt down the Bolton Market. As my dear colleague Mustafa Kamal has said, these peepil are disciples of the owl and enemies of the nation. We demand our gilories army to take over and beat them to pulp with their magic istick.

Or if necessary they should make them disappear by waving their magic istick, as they have done so successfully with other enemies of the nation. If they re-emerge firam time to time in back istreets, with their limbs neatly isliced and packed in an ergonomic fashion, the Khidmat e Khalq kimatee will be delighted to dispose of them ispeedily, motivated only by a sense of civic deevti and service of humanity.

The target killings of our innocent workers must istop. They are a bilat on the face of the peace loving city of Kiranchi. The only target killings allowed are by the sector commander of Azizabad, by the express permission of your Quaid and in the best interest of the city and the nation. Any unauthorised killings are farbidden. Any unauthorised bhatta is farbidden. Any unauthorised election win is farbidden.

These are difficult times. The menace of Taliban is everywhere. They believe in violence and murder to achieve their medieval ideals. This is intalerable. We believe in violence and murder to achieve madren ideals. This is the way of the future. This is the way of piragress, peace and pisrasperity.

They goat of ethnic harmony has been fattened far the past two years in Kiranchi. Enough is enough. The time has come far sacrifice. The time has come far islaughter.

Jiye Muttahida.