Letter to the Queen

By: Asif Raja  

HRH The Queen

Balmoral Castle

Balleter

Scotland  

Dear Ma’am I will skip the usual apologies, as you must have guessed my opening gambit by now. I will therefore come to the subject at hand. 

As you very well know I am great admirer of the British people; an inclination which I have inherited from my forbearers. Before coming over for good, I used to highlight the greatness of the people living in these isles being paragons of virtue, free of all vices and downright honest. I also naively believed that women over here never indulged in accessories like fashion and off course never wasted a penny. “Wait till you go there”, my good old mother would reply and by God how right she was. 

The people who rule in your name are to be blamed this time. You must be deeply disturbed with all the goings on and happenings in the Westminster, how monies get claimed for non-existent companies and, upkeep of lawns, not to mention the information that we are not privy to. I just wonder if you ever asked Gordy about this in your weekly brief. It pains me no end that all of this is perpetrated, if I may say so, in your good name; like it was done in the name of your father and grandfather before him.

How politically, morally and ethically correct you are when you suggested that the subjects must foot the bill for the part of Windsor destroyed by fire! At least you were open about your affairs and they are not. 

On more mundane matters: In my third season of regular cricket and at the ripe old age of 46 I managed to score a century, most of which I ran. It was followed by a fifty. Since then a few dubious decisions like bat and pad, LBW, and head high balls are getting me out. Off course Uncle Phil would know about these things being a keen player himself in many a game. 

I wonder what you think about the recession and its effects on your non-subjects, as the passport calls us citizens now. I am a bit miffed with this clever use of language. I take it that when recession strikes, we are citizens and for footing the bills, subjects. This is the same age old principle on which Ghalib was denied his pension, still of use to Your Majesty’s Government. 

Ah, I completely forgot about Pakistan. No its not the T20 but the internally displaced people. What a shameful spectacle. How right was your mother that we don’t know how to rule ourselves. Can I suggest, maybe a few of our leaders can come and attend the school of leadership and benefit from it. Given the proxy attendance that we have got used to, I would advise you to get the tutor permanently posted in Soho Square where they are most likely to be found.  

I understand that Sheeda Tully refused to pay for his services following which he manhandled the poor creature and got charged for sadism, as well as other expenses. Very naughty, I agree. But then it is in the the tradition of Lord Drysdale, who had to resign for something similar. (I am sure, like your loyal subject, you are a keen viewer of cinema, in this case, The Bank Job).  I guess it is just a man thing. When Mr Clinton got caught a fellow man of cloth said,`What’s all the fuss about. He is the most powerful man on earth. Surely he is entitled to this’. 

Well, I must conclude this letter and though you may love to read them and eagerly await their arrival, you are a busy lady and I for one would not like to keep you from the races.  

Your Eternal Khidmatgar

(Jaddi Pushti) 

Dr MAK Raja

Middle Belt,

Scotland.