Extraordinary Rendition  

Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Shehbaz,

I am writing to you from the Jannat al Firdaus. There are not many politicians here; neither are there many car salesmen, estate agents, mullahs or priests. May Allah have mercy on them all and forgive their sins. 

It was a very hot summer day in Lahore. I suddenly felt that I was rising out of my cage. I then realised that I could walk on the heads of the crowd. In one leap, I was floating on 35,000 feet, higher than any stray bullets from Landi Kotal. Heat stroke is not a good thing my brother, but better than exploding mangoes, if you ask me.

I know that the Chakri cat is bringing in many dead birds lately. He is becoming more and more like the Cheshire cat. Now you see him and now you don’t. UnIike the Cheshire cat, he does not mind beheadings, but his bristles stand on end when Predator missiles fly overhead, humming imperialist tunes. I think, you should bring him some strawberries and cream and tickle him behind the ears, till he is purring with pleasure and curling up in Bhai Jan’s lap. 

Or else, he could disappear during the nights and go after hunting chickens in Bani Gala, even before they are hatched, or raid the poultry farm in D Chowk in the disused bomb proof container. 

Dear Brother,

An iron cage is a prison, but now that I am free, I can tell you that the heavy mandate is also a prison. You and Bhai Jan are held in this prison. You must break free. You must leave a saucer of milk at the Gate Number One. Only then you can sleep without the danger of the cat drinking all the milk and eating all the mandate. Dear Brother, please tell Bhai Jan that is better to invest in strawberries and milk than to leave the mandate out at night during monsoons. Learn a thing or two from the ring master of Nawab Shah, may the peace and salutations of all the feline saints be on him. 

I am worried that Bhai Jan is creating obstructions in the way of the tomcats on state pension. This is an error and a mistake. A cat can loose its teeth but never its pension book. He must follow the law of the nature and of the land. It is written that cats on pensions will fly in C-130s to the Holy Land. Who are we to question the wisdom of the rule book. We do that at our peril, risking eternal damnation and hellfire. 

The march will come and go. Actually, there is a good chance it may not even come. The ring masters know when to crack the whip and when to blow the whistle. Please don’t loose any sleep over it. Abide by the rules and all will be well. 

Here are the rules: Don’t mess with pension books, saucer of milk at gate number one, strawberries and cream for domestic cats. 

Jazakallah.