Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Meray Aziz Ham Watno, 

When the democratically elected government of your brother was overthrown by General Tinpot, Pakistan was on the way to progress and prosperity. We had made tremendous gains in implementing the Caliphate. The glory days of the Ummah were around the corner. Brother Bin Laden was diligently sitting at the drawing board, finalising plans for alterations in the Manhattan skyline.

Justice Sajjad Ali Shah was licking his wounds and hatching petty schemes to undermine democracy and the rule of law. 

All this progress and prosperity was laid waste when the Triple One scaled the gates of the PTV and put Yours Truly in the camouflage jeep. Khawaja Sahib had barely said nahmaduhu and nusalli, and had got to bismillah when kuptan sahib stuck a hand gun in his innocent behind, in this very studio, in front of this very camera. With his foolish intervention, kuptan sahib set the clock back fourteen years.

All the motorways to Central Asia stopped at Tarnol and the Bullet Train to Bukhara was taken over by the National Logistics Cell. Democracy was trampled under the jackboot and instead of foundries and mills we built housing societies and golf courses. 

Dear Brothers and Sisters, 

As I address you today I am reminded of my sister, the dear departed Mohtarma. We were together in the struggle for the people’s rights and we signed the Charter of Democracy after much deliberation and deep thought, when we met over a three course dinner at Lahore Karahi in South Hall. (Special introductory offer on mango lassi). 

If Mohtarma was alive today, she would be pleased to see the progress we have already made. The Charter of Democracy, as amended and improved by Rana Sana Ullah, is thriving. We have done away with the pettifogging local party politics and re-introduced the non party system of the Father of the Nation, General Mustache ul Haq, so that the democracy can prosper and progress without let or hindrance, towards the ultimate destination of Changa Manga. 

I have to admit, dear brothers and sisters, that we are face with a full blown financial crisis. Mehran Bank is no more. Brother Yunus Habib is sleeping with the enemy. Brother Bin Laden is sleeping at the bottom of the sea. To make matters worse, we cannot even sell nuclear technology to Brother Islamic Republics of Iran and North Korea because of the imperialist control of the Doha Round. 

We must take the bull by the horns and clean up Nandi Pur and Neelum Jhelum, so that the wheel of the economy can turn and the steel of the national determination can be forged in the Ittefaq Foundries. 

The bull, I must warn you brothers and sisters, will not take if sitting down. It will storm into the china shop from time to time and create damage of immeasurable proportions. It will take all the determination and efforts of the nation to keep it good humour, even if we have to keep the NLC in clover. 

All bulls are equal, some are more equal that others. 

Your Brother,

Noon.