Extraordinary Rendition
By: Hakim Hazik
The Republic is in safe hands; in the safe hands of the wily President Coyote. He expertly steered the ship of the nation through various shoals and bluffs which would have fooled a lesser sea captain. Many a stalwart have fallen having redeemed the tradition of chivalry in these times of deceit and chicanery.
Agha Waqar Ahmed is on national TV whereas Rimsha is in Adyala jail and Madam Khar is in Tehran. The Banana Republic is thriving on all counts. All we need is a little Wahhabi petroleum on deferred payment and a little Shia gas on credit, (unbeknownst to the Americans), and a couple of PC Orions, (known to the Americans) and we can make our way in the modern world.
We need to pull ourselves up by our Peshawary chappals. We need to marshal our resources and start a serious national quest to milk the imperialist powers. Dr. Tahirul Qadri writes excellent fatwas which fetch a fabulous price in the gushing UK market. Veena Malik has broken new ground in the competitive Indian haute couture (and haute tattoo). ISI, the protector of our ideological frontiers, has cornered the high class hashish market (Rs. 15,000 per kilo) in Bara and the world class suicide bomber market in Miran Shah (Rs. 15,000 per head.)
Madam Khar can wear whatever she likes as long as it is not at odds with our culture and our ideology and carries a respectable designer label. Our ideology teaches us to wear a Dior chador in Tehran, an Armani abaya in Riyadh and a Junaid Jamshed shuttlecock burqa in Kabul. Haute couture, combined with a begging bowl is in line with our culture and with raison d’etat. All the faithful should rejoice. When we hear the heartwarming tinkle of Riyals and Tumans in our begging bowl, can the IMF be far behind?
Little Rimsha has little choice in what she wears. For the moment it will have to be the striped, simple but elegant prison costume, till the forensic experts have examined the rubbish bag and till the judge had a chance to arrange a foreign asylum and air tickets for himself and his family. After this, it should be straightforward to post her in our Norwegian embassy as cultural attache, as we regenerate her former residence and convert it into a shopping mall to rival the Ibn e Batuta mall.
Ms. Malik is progressing rapidly in the echelons of fashion and piety. Her Ramadan show has been a smash hit, almost as inspiring for the faithful as her FHM photo shoot. We hear that she is torn between invitations to join the Playboy centre fold or the chairmanship of the Pakistan Ulema Council. May Allah (SWT) help her resolve her quandary to the satisfaction of the Ummah. On the other hand, as she has already revealed all her assets on the internet, the likelihood is that she will be joining the executive council of Pakistan Therik e Insaf in near future.
With a combination of Islam, cricket, hashish, Wahhabi oil, Shia gas and Ms. Malik, we will Inshallah defeat the infidels, as well as win the Paralympics.
O ye people, behold; Qazi is coming.