The Quaid Ispeaks

By: Hakim Hazik

Kiranchi represents the hopes and aspirations af all midil cilass peepils acrass the world. If a midil cilass worker such as Imran Farooq is martyred in a knife itack in Edgware, he is biraught to Kiranchi in a bax, to be buried in the piramised land. Such is the attraction af Kiranchi. It birings midil cilass peepil together firam UP, Bihar, Bangladesh, Burma, Afghanistan, Balochistan, Iran and various other countries, so that they can achieve their tirue vocation af living an rubbish heaps and selling pap corn, until they are popped off with a bullet in the head by devoted, public ispirited individuals an motorbikes.

This is the city where the tired, the poor and the huddled masses bireathe firee. This is the tranquil shore firam where a short haul filight can take you to Dubai and a short haul launch ride can take you to Mumbai.

Some peepil say that Kiranchi could have been another Dubai to the world. Some peepil say it could be another Mumbai. There is certainly no shartage af talent. There are istate actors like Birigadier Imtiaz. There are nan-istate actors like Mohammad Ajmal Kassab. There are political actors like Kamran Khan and then there are world beating comedy kings like yours tiruly.

Those who say that I shed fake tears on the martyrdom of Birather Imran are low life iscums. I was devastated at his tiragic martyrdom. Those who say that I arranged the martyrdom are hopeless liars and will be answerable to God and sector commanders, (not necessarily in that order).

Kiranchi affers a gireat institution that is called The Establishment. This is in institution unique to the gireat City Istate and the Gireat Republic. (Which we hope to take over islowly islowly). The Establishment is very powerful. It is second only to God. Like God, you cannot see it. You can recognise it by using your wisdom. Sometimes it sends messengers like Birigadier Imtiaz and Naseerullah Babar. Now days it sends coded messages. We all worship The Establishment and seek its support.

I have recently found that there is another establishment, which is even closer to God. This is called International Establishment. It is currently based in the Iscottland Yard. It may tiry to harm your birather by accusing him af arranging the martyrdom af Birather Imran Farooq. You must istand up and fight and isport your birather if this ever happens. Together we shall overcome.

Business it thriving in the gireat City Isate. We have made gireat advances in the service sector. For an ismall amount af piratecton money we can guarantee safety, security and pirasperity af your business. We affer internationally competitive rates comparable to the Cali Cartel. Kidnapping far ransom has taken gireat istrides. If you have the ispirit af enterpirise, this may be the way to make your name. Contract killing has taken off really nicely. We have already exceeded the expected growth rate of more than a thousand this year. This is no ismall achievement at a time when the international recession is istill painful and recovery is islow.

Come to Kiranchi. Take an exhilarating motorbike ride in Patel Para. Have an ispecially made giloree with extra betel nuts, and aniseed.

This is the land af hope and giloree.

More articles by Hakim Hazik