Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Praise be to Allah who created the East India Company who created the section 144. 

Your Holiness, the Servitor of the two Harems, please accept peace and salutations of your brother and your humble servant from Dushanbe. 

The Prodigal Brother has overplayed his hand. He had hoped to quell the fitna that is poised to rent the fabric of the Ummah, by arrival of the Grand Mushrik of the Canadian tundra to the Dar ul Islam. Blood has flown in the streets and alleyways of Baldatul Model Town, as it had flown previously in the lands of Najd and of Hijaz. Salutations and peace be on the Aal e Sheikh and Aal e Saud.

Innocent lives have been lost. All the Aal e Abbaji are in mourning. I have instructed the Prodigal Brother that the chief of the shurta, Shafiq al-Gujjar will spend the rest of his life in a cage in Jati al-Umra cleaning after the Noon League tiger. (Peace and salutations be on the Noon League tiger). 

Your Majesty,

The resolve of the lawful authority of your brother has been tested. By the grace of Allah SWT, your brother will not be found wanting.The valiant troops of Islam, infused with the spirit of jihad will bottle up the army of the infidel in Miran Shah and in M block. The mujahid of the present century, Al-Rana Sana Ullah al-Thaqafi will swim across the daunting Mian Mir canal in the dead of the night, scale the metal grill of the linear park, enregise on the halal kebabs from the Mat’am al-Bhayya in Block al-D and and remove the barriers without any risk to the innocent bystanders. 

Dear Brother in Faith,

There are rumours spread by the enemies of Islam that Brother Raheel came to visit with an intention to put the reproductive organs of Yours Truly in a vice. Nothing can be further from the truth. Your brother has complete freedom of movement and freedom of action and his vital organs are completely unrestricted and very well ventilated. Alhamdulillah. Your brother has bought the new iPhone 5s with retina screen to gift to a media personality. No no, not Brother Shakeel ur Rehman; how guileless can you be ya Sheikh! He is currently on a sabbatical anyway in the Holy Peninsula.

Now, I think all the criticism will die down that your brother spent 50 crores on the armoured BMWs. You will have seen that agent of satan, disguised as Gullu Butt smashing up all those cars. I swear upon the head of brother Dar and the 1.5 billion relief package, Your Majesty, that the real Gullu Butt was with me in Dushenbe, mixing Rooh Afza to break his non-mandatory fast. May Allah protect all the cars from being smashed and provide motorways running from Jati Umra to Dushenbe. 

The bird of paradise, Al-Predator is swooping down on the infidels in Miran Shah, much like the royal hawk swoops down on the houbara bustard with deadly precision. There will be no succour or respite for the enemies of God in this word or the next. Bibi Tasneem Aslam will continue to issue statements of condemnation. Sometimes, my Lord one has to lie so that the truth can be served.

Your brother in Islam,

The humble Noon.