By: Hakim Hazik

Sheikh Jingle Bells has beaten Dr Fruitcake in the gasification project. The learned Sheikh  has produced more gas for less dollars per cubic meters than the much advertised Thar Coal project. With such patriotic innovators among our midst we will soon export gas to Qatar and energy to Saudi Arabia. It is important to diversify our exports and discover new markets as the American economy is on its last legs, threatening our traditional exports of car bombs, Al-Qaida operatives in orange suits and Aafia Siddiqi.

Also, Dr Fruitcake requires  a considerable amount of IMF dollars, duly purified and washed under a strict sharia protocol so that they are no longer sullied with riba and American imperialism. Sheikh Sahib, on the other hand, only needs a microphone, made in the Shenzhen special economic zone and an appropriately placed anchor, groomed by the ISPR. 

Once the learned doctor and the ingenious sheikh are fully operative, we won’t need the Sui natural gas fields and we will be able to control the foreign inspired insurgency by disappearing the whole Baloch population, an art which has been honed to perfection in the labs of the Agency through diligent research with electric drills and burning cigarettes. 

Once we are on the road to prosperity, it would be wise to invest in gas chambers so that these foreign funded Baloch terrorists who have infiltrated university departments and newspaper editorial boards, can be eliminated through a modern, industrialised process, instead of having to slice them up in small pieces and stuffing them in body bags. This is not cost effective and economically feasible in the current environment of resource constraints. 

Dr Fruitcake, of course, has a long standing affiliation with the blessed province of Balochistan. He has beavered his way through the Chaghai hills and laid tunnels stuffed with fissile material. He has given this much endowed land the gift of radioactivity, which will continue to fortify the flora and fauna and the genome of the population for the next 700 million years. It is hoped that with the newer developments in technology, we will be able to extend this period to 1400 million years to address the feeling of deprivation in some sections of Baloch population. This will bring Chaghai at par with other iconic sites such as Chernobyl and Mururoa Atoll.

One should not forget the legendary Dr Khan. Among the gaseous contributions that he has made, one can count the uranium hexafluoride gas which put us on the road to Chaghai and made us invincible against Hindu and Jewish conspiracies, NATO tankers and polio epidemics. 

It is therefore difficult to explain the curious statement attributed to Dr Khan which questions the provenance of gases produced by Dr Fruitcake. Dr F insists that it is Thar coal which has been harnessed to lead us to this ground breaking discovery whereas Dr Khan is of the opinion that the actual source is Dr F’s digestive system, the lower part of which he uses to formulate his scientific theories, as well as press statements. 

Sheikh Jingle Bells says ‘only time will tell’. 

Reported by our correspondents:

Mark Tully in New Delhi

Martin Bell in the UK.