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Exclusive Interview With General Tinpot

Transcultural Dialogues

By: Hakim Hazik

Aaj Tak: Welcome General Sahib, to the land of your ancestors and your invasions, I hope you are having a good time?

General Tinpot: I am very grateful to your channel for recording this interview and also to the prestigious organisations such as Research and Analysis Wing for recording my other conversations and preserving them for the posterity. I have been asked by General Aziz to convey his thanks as well.

AT: Have you been to visit your ancestral home yet.

Tinpot: Yes, I was very pleased to note that the locality is thriving. It seems to have become a hub of pharmaceutical and entertainment industry. I was able to buy a packet of high quality cocaine for a very competitive price and the Madame was very kind to arrange a genteel companion for the evening as well, for a very reasonable charge of ten rupees.

AT: General, how do you view the prospects for peace in the region?

Tinpot: Peace can only come if we all agree to respect people’s right to self determination. This is what we have achieved in Waziristan and you must work towards in Kashmir. It shows you what can be achieved if one is determined and sincere. In Wazirsitan, there is peace, respect for the rule of law and freedom to choose your own way of life. Even children can chose their own breadknives to behead the opponents, or from a variety of firearms to shoot them in the head. A significant advance for civilisation, if you ask me.

AT: What do you view as your biggest legacy to your country?

Tinpot: I think it must be the rule of law. I realised during my tenure that extremism was taking hold in the society, especially in the superior courts. The judiciary was becoming radicalised. I had to be courageous and steadfast. I had to break the axis of evil between the lawyers and the civil society. The results are there for all to see. Radicalism has been rooted out.

A new justice system, compatible with people’s aspirations has been introduced in Swat. It will soon spread to the whole country. Now a women singer can be tried and convicted in one hour, for the heinous crime of offending the ears of the Faithful, by singing. She is allowed to have a choice of execution by beheading, or by a bullet in the head. Choice is important. I am pro choice.

AT: Do you have any regrets General?

Tinpot: I have only one regret. I wish I had not written my 3rd of November speech myself. I wish I had asked Mushahid Sahib to ghost write it, like my book. If I had not made some crucial grammatical mistakes, I would still be the President, and the country would have the benefit of my experience and wisdom. Grammar is important.

AT: Do you have message for the people of this country?

Tinpot: I wish that your country and the whole world will achieve what I achieved in Pakistan; i.e. peace, rule of law and freedom of choice.

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