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Jamia Suicidia

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik


The great leader of the masses, the rejuvenator of the true faith and the vicegerent of God on earth, Wali ur Rehman Mehsud, fell martyr to the Zionist, infidel, drone strike on wednesday. May he rest in everlasting peace and may his message and mission spread to the whole of Khurasan and Transoxiana.


He was born in the historic town of Bannu in 1966. He finished his studies in the Jamia Suicidia (Imdadia), in 1996 and returned to Kanigram to spread the message of hope and redemption which he pursued with single minded tenacity. His dedication was typical of the thousands of selfless graduates of the Jamia who have spread in the far corners of caliphate and are grooming young men for martyrdom and struggle against the uncircumcised enemies of God and those who relish in the pursuit of major sins such as polio vaccination and electoral politics. 


There are signs that efforts of these stalwarts may be bearing fruit. Major protagonists representing the Ummah, including Code Pink and Imran Khan have rallied to the cause and the apostate Obama has finally seen the error of his ways. There are already indications that the control of the drone strikes will move from the infidel, uncircumcised, CIA to the pious and God fearing Pentagon where all the employees wear trousers above the ankles and shave their body hair, down to a length, not exceeding a millet seed. 


Allah SWT be praised; the new administration of Trans Indus also favours the spirit and ethos of the Jamia. Brother Nawaz Sharif has said in categorical terms that he does not favour drone strikes unless he is pressing the button and his righteous and God fearing bottom is not in a sling or in exile. 


Brother Imran, a graduate of Jamia Oxfordia (Salafia), will himself be in the driving seat in the Pakhtunkhwa. He will not fire a shot against his own people and will not fight the war that is not our war. He will bring the killers of the polio workers to the negotiating table and hand them the keys of the CM house where they can live in harmony with the (live, attenuated) polio virus. Ordinary people can be given free cruthces, spinal braces and iron lungs for their children blessed with polio. In the meanwhile, he will hold the local body elections within the first 90 days and end corruption and extended programme of immunisation; God be praised. 


The Ummah, once again, is at a crossroads in its history. One order is giving way and another one is being established in Islamabad. The new regime will not be beholden to the Kerry-Luger funds or the IMF to spread the word of God. It will rely on its own resilience and blessed peninsular fossil fuel on deferred payments. The Jamia, on the other hand, will thrive on direct payments through reliable, profit and loss sharing, non auditable channels of crisp freshly minted riyals, rated AAA by Moody’s. 


Long live Jamia Suicidia, may the salafi oil flow for ever. 


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