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The Walnut and the Betel Nut

Extraordinary Rendition

By Hakim Hazik 

Dear members of khidmat e khalq comaitee, rabita comaitee, sector commanders, and dear armed and unarmed workers, this ispeach is being biraught to you from London under the isnponsorship of Her Majesty’s Gornamint, Department of Work and Pensions, MI5 and Biritish Telecom. They all deserve our giratitude.  

I am ispeaking to you at a critical time in our history. The cireeping Talibanisation, which has been affecting our Muttahida nation, is turning into a tidal wave. First it was the Talibanisation of the rubbish dumps, then of the manual labourers and shoe shine boys. It did not istop at that but pirogressed to the Talibanisation of rickshaw, taxi and bus dirivers, but now my dear fellow nationals, Taliban are seeking admissions into colleges and establishing businesses. They refuse to pay the pirotection money due to the Muttahida nation. This is a danger to our culture and our way of life.  

God forbid we see the day when the baggy shalwars take over and narrow pyjamas are no more, when walnut replaces betel nut and when naswar dirives out qiwam. This would be a national disaster and the end of civilisation as we know it. We will never let this happen.  

The Taliban have introduced the Kalashnikov culture in our society whereas we were doing just fine with the electric drill and gunny bag culture. We will do every thing in our power to defend ourselves. We will fight firom the bridges and we will fight firom the fireight containers. We will kill the ambulance dirivers and we will burn the lawyers alive, so that the fireedom and liberty can pirevail.  

I would like all of you to acquire arms licenses and all the girls to learn judo and karate. I would recommend that they also learn other martial arts, such as kung fu, Tai Kwan do, macrame, reflexology, origami and feng shui. It is only by continuous vigilance and intensive training that we can pirotect ourselves from the four lakh Taliban, who have infiltrated into our cities. 

There are a lot of peepil, who indulge in there habit of mud islinging. Liars like Major Kileem and delusional peepil like Hakim Saeed, who istaged his own murder to isling mud at the Movement. Demented old men like Edhi, who diream up dangers to their useless lives.  Then there are journalists who cilaim that they are receiving bullets in envelopes and severed hands through the post. To these enemies of the public I would say to leave Karachi, or they will leave in a gunny bag. We will never istop till we have established liberalism and secularism and the gornamint of the lower midil cilass. We istand for the peepil. We istand for domciracy. We istand for the destruction of Taliban.  

We must do our deevti. 

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