Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

We declare our innocence from targeting the Muslims. We are only attacking America and its allies, including church goers, school girls, health workers and shias who are outside the fold of Islam.

We are working towards establishing an Islamic order in Pakistan where the lion and the goat will drink from the same stream and the rich and the poor will eat the same naswar. Pakistan should return to its original purpose of sharia law. Once the rule of law is established, peace will return automatically. The government must be serious in dialogue. If they are, heinous crimes against society, such as standing in the rain will be punished by stoning to death and possessing a mobile phone by beheading. Allah willing. 

Drone attacks must stop. They are a source of discord in our society. They have targeted innocent people; women, children and men of God. Those who blew up the Orions were serious scholars who were studying the effects of Pak Arab fertilizer on jet propulsion. Rashid Rauf was the eminent scientist who would have won the Nobel in chemistry, if he was allowed to develop his ozone friendly aerosols. Emir ul Mumineen, Baitullah, went to the house of Allah because he had invented a new shampoo for head lice which I regularly use. The American military industrial complex feels threatened because of our buy one get one free offer. (Also effective against body lice). 

The foreign office man came. He rolled on his back and held his paws in the air. He fetched the stick I threw in the air and licked the Peshawari chappals, although he is only trained to lick the military boots. This is not enough. The government should do more. They must release all the prisoners including Brother Brother and pay compensation for those they have killed in custody, through gruesome torture. This includes the Noon League tiger who was forced to listen to Shahbaz Sharif speeches. Verily, we are from Allah and to him must we return. 

Malala is faking it. She is doing it to malign the TTP. She is controlled by pernicious foreign agencies especially CIA, the Wallmart (no offer on lice shampoo), and Birmingham City Libraries. We will give her no quarter. If she wants to live, she will have to live like a normal, virtuous, sharia abiding goat or face the full ire of the tehreek on Eid day. 

I urge the Nobel committee not to be taken in by this elaborate deception. For the services rendered to humanity and to lice, I offer myself as the most suitable candidate. I am the only candidate who has the iron gonads with titanium deposits, required to foil the American aggression against peace loving tribals. An attribute that Brother Nawaz Sharif and Brother Shabaz Sharif completely and utterly lack and therefore have lost the trust of man and beast in Miranshah and in Oslo. 

As regards Brother Imran Khan, as soon I have won the Nobel, I will apply chastisement to his person using my personal chappal. He is a true Muslim and a true lover of goats. He needs to be rescued from Shirin Mazari.