Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Welcome to the annual general meeting of the Shura. We especially welcome our Taliban desk brothers from the International Sensitive Agency, who are also the permanent members of the Supreme Council. We will have video messages from Mullah Brother and Mulla Qayyum Zakir who can’t be here tonight because of prior engagements in Attock Prison.

We also have apologies from Brother Baitullah and Hakimullah and Khalid Khawaja, who have been recalled by the higher authorities and will not be joining us in the short term. Brother Col Imam cannot be here tonight, as he is spending a period of well earned respite in the beautiful spa of Miran Shah after a prolonged and exhausting struggle against the infidel.

Dear Brothers,

As you know, thanks to our brothers in the International Sensitive Agency, the rule of the infidel in the Fatherland is coming to an end. Before long, the beaten and bedraggled armies of the aggressor will limp back home. When this happens, dear brothers, we want to be in a position, where we are prepared to take over the administration, smoothly and run it to the satisfaction of our populace and according to the timeless dictates of Sharia.

God be praised, we have already made considerable progress in that direction. The last girl’s school in the Helmand province has already been blown up. The last women’s hospital in Qandahar will soon be a heap of rubble. The Hazaras and other riffraff of dubious faiths are quaking in their Peshawari chappals. The resounding boom of our IEDs is being heard in Time Square. Brother Haqqani has blown up the Indian Embassy to great international acclaim.

Great rewards await us in this world and the next. There is this trillion dollars lithium seam running  thorough Ghazni. Then there is this gift of almighty to our blessed land, the opium poppy. To be honest we do not make a difference between Ghazni and Islamabad. The whole earth belongs to God. Every land belongs to us, as it belongs to God. Once we are done with the Americans, we will deal with the Iranians, the Indians and the corrupt regime in Islamabad. The fruits of Sharia cannot be denied to our brothers in Islamabad.

This is what is written. This is destiny. Afghanistan will soon fall into our lap, like a ripe fruit. Pakistan will not be far behind. We will soon have the air base in Bagram. We will soon have the arsenals in Kahuta and in Khushab. The venal politicians and the dissolute bureaucrats will soon be running  for shelter, but not before they had their right hands amputated from the wrist.

I would like to send my felicitations to our brothers in Rahim Yar Khan, in Jhang and in Karachi. The time of victory is near. They should be ready for the revolution when it comes. I send my best wishes to all the graduates of Madrassa Qasab ul Ulum on this auspicious occasion.

Issued with the seal of:

Mullah Mohammad Umar

Amir Quetta Shura

Amir ul Momineen

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