Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear audience,

Thanks for giving me the pleasure of your company and of your hard earned dollars. I can assure you that the thousand dollars per head that you have paid through your nose to have the privilege of being present here this evening, is money well spent and offers great value in these days of economic crisis and problems with cash flow.

I start in the name of Allah the most merciful the most beneficent. During the course of this evening, after I have a double G & T, I will outline for my American audience, how I have tried to save my country from disorder, put it on the path to peace, prosperity and progress. I will also describe how hard I have worked to support our international allies, such as the USA, in safeguarding them against international terrorism. It is in no small measure due the efforts of your truly, that you are sitting here this evening in comfortable surroundings and have not become a victim of dirty bombs, anthrax through the mail box, inner city crime, teenage pregnancy and a mortgage foreclosure.

Your have been lucky, ladies and gentlemen, that over the years whilst you have been enjoying the fruits of your honest labour, honouring great architects of your prosperity such as Bernard Madoff and putting into prison enemies of freedom such as Martha Stewart, you have had friends who have been looking after the wild frontier between Pakistan and Afghanistan, where the most serious threats for the human race emerge from.

After a great deal of hard work, after paying a very high price with the blood of our soldiers and our citizens, we are beginning to root out the Taliban. This has been a herculean task, almost as big an effort, requiring as much grit and determination, as when we created the Taliban. Some self hating Pakistanis have said that Taliban is a monster, suckled in its infancy by the ISI. This is a total misunderstanding. The Taliban were and are supported by the ISI, in their formative and their mature stage. They just can’t be allowed to rule on our side of the Durand Line.

Think what will happen next year, when you will have plane loads of coffins coming to the Arlington National Cemetery from Afghanistan. Who will form the Government in Kabul after Bagram is abandoned and overgrown with nettles? Who will run the country after the Kabul airport is converted into a poppy field? Rest assured my dear audience, that it will be Mullah Umar. The international community has to prepare for this outcome. You will need a world class statesman to speak to the one eyed caliph. At that point I will offer my services at a very reasonable price.

Don’t be afraid of the Lashkar. Once they attack the Indians, you can go in and sell them an aircraft carrier. The Lashkar is working tirelessly for the promotion of the American arms industry. That is what is paying for your kids’ college fee.

You must learn to think on a strategic level, as I have done all my life.

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