Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Noon,

We are sitting in the new and improved haram sharif which we have rebuilt after erasing the ancient graves with Komatsu bulldozers. Tears are rolling down our pious chins and our blameless goatee is soaked to its dyed roots. We are so happy to see you taking the oath of office of the satrap of the Republic. We, the thirty one royal consorts and Prince Muqrin, with the pocket comb that he confiscated from you, are looking forward to see you when you come and visit the Kingdom to offer homage and kiss our signet ring.  

Allah be praised; who would have thought that we would have lived to see this day when the lean years of exile would be followed by years of felicity and good cheer, culminating into your claiming the satrapy for the order of our ancestor and righteous guide, Mohmmad bin Abdul Wahab. 

All praise is for Allah who has no peer. We are praying to the Almighty that he will protect you from the infamy that emanates from Tehran and the pestilence that emanates from Zaman Park. We would like you to order your chamberlain to stop the ingress of the noxious South Pars gas into your household as it may bring with it seeds of rebellion and insolence and cause discord within the Ummah. 

I am sure once you are ensconced comfortably on your new throne, you will allow Brother Tinpot to leave the Republic, so that he can pay penitence in the Holy Land by sitting at our feet and learn the art of forgetting and forgiving that Brother Idi Amin, Brother Ben Ali, Brother Saleh and yourself have learnt before him. 

We hope that it won’t be before long that Brother Obama will withdraw his forces to Dhahran and Mullah Umar will be restored to his rightful place in Kabul with your help. The true order of Sharia will spread to the Oxus River and beyond. All the women will be dressed in appropriate jilbabs and will only go out with an adult male relative in situations of extreme emergency or to attend their own funeral. The righteous of the Ummah, like your self, will be served by the pagan slaves brought in from Philippines and Bangladesh.  May the benedictions of Islam envelop us all and may we rise to the approval of the Creator on the Day of Judgement.  

Dear Brother,

The greatest challenge faced by the Ummah today is that of Viber, Whatsapp and witchcraft. The Kingdom has been targeted by international forces arrayed against the Ummah to undermine our sovereignty and integrity. We will, with the help of our Sharia court will, Inshallah root out all these threats. Our vigilant Qazis are executing witches of Somali and Bedouin origin. We will inshallah root out the Youtube  and Google, so that the new generation are not fed the poison of lies manufactured by the Zionists and Iranians. 

You, my brother, should do the same.

Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz

Jalalat ul Mulk,

KSA