Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Abdullah, 

By the grace of Allah SWT, and the benevolence of Brother Hakimullah, we are all set to place our pious bottom on the throne of Islam. Allah be praised, the faithful of the Republic have chosen us to be their commander.  Delegates are coming from all corners of the caliphate to express their submission. The forces of Islam have won a comprehensive victory. The swamps of error, deviation and mischief have been drained, just as the swamps of dengue were drained before that.

There are pockets of resistance where the burger fitna is still alive and the mummy daddy jihadis are waging a war against the Ummah. Very soon, inshallah they will be brought under the control of the righteous Punjab Police and will get their deserts in accordance with sharia. Flogging frames will be erected in the Lalik Jan Chowk and and lashes of chastisement will be applied to apostate bottoms to establish the supremacy of Islam. 

The Majlis e Shoora will soon meet in Islamabad, the seat of the caliphate. Its first act will be to pass the twenty first amendment to the constitution, so that your brother is recognised as the Commander of the Faithful, the Caliph of Islam and Chief Zookeeper of Jati Umra. Straight after that, we need to build a bullet train to Samarkand, (via Bukhara) and give a lap top to all students in Aitchison College and a lolly pop to all students in Islamia High School, Khazana Gate.

We intend to establish the rule of law and are well placed to do so. Noon has always selflessly and bravely supported the our brothers in the judiciary. (We recognise that our brothers in judiciary have always supported Noon, for a small and insignificant stipend) 

Your Majesty, 

Al Sheikh Al Ishaq Al Dar will soon be arriving in Riyadh to pay homage and ask for your support in the path of Allah. Please give him your support so that the multiple wounds inflicted by the long years of exile and the IMF can heal. Since the Abbot Abad raid, your brother has had some temporary cash flow problems. However, this is nothing that can not be solved by a few deferred payments on the holy fossil fuel, the life blood of the Ummah.  

Brother Obama was on the phone. I have told him that we will do everything in our power to support the unity of the Ummah and the safe withdrawal of the NATO forces. As the NATO traffic containing sensitive equipment such as inflatable dummies and leather bondage accessories roll down to the Arabian Sea, there is a danger that they will be attacked by the enemies of the Ummah. We will ensure security and sanctity of this holy operation by providing a nuclear armed escort. 

Dear Brother in Islam,

Every hair on your borther’s body, (especially his head) owes you a debt of gratitude. I and your bhabi can never forget the hospitality you offered us in the Saroor Palace. 

I remain Your Majesty, 

Your Humble Brother,

Noon

(Caliph of Islam, Commander of the Faithful)

PS: Jab pyar kiya tau dharna kya.