Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

A vicious campaign has been launched to malign the mother of all agencies and against the father of all strategic deterrents. We must fight with determination to protect both. We must start with eating grass and move swiftly to snakes and lizards, with which the Almighty has blessed this land of bounty.

We have to forego the tainted crusader dollars that we receive from the Americans. These infidels have always been our enemies, since the times of Abu Jahal. We should try and develop our own indigenous stone technology so that we can tie them to our midriffs and also the grass technology so that we can feed high quality Sharia compatible Islamic grass to our children. 

We can never prosper with the Nazarene dollars. We can only prosper with the brotherly Communist Yuans and the wholesome Wahhabi Riyals. We should not extend the begging bowl to the Americans. This is against the national honour. Instead, we should sell our children to the pious, God fearing, Gulf sheikhs for camel races. The sheikhs are our brothers in Islam. The camels are our brothers in Islam. 

The Servitor General has made a start in the Punjab Province. He has returned all the dollars meant for education and health. What good is health and education if it is received at the cost of national honour? These are exciting times. Very soon, the doors of Jati Umrah will be thrown open to the professors who are experts in the Nizami curriculum, including the art of disemboweling the enemies of Islam and advanced medical practices developed by Galen and Avicenna which centre on (indigenous) grass based technologies. 

When reprobates like Syed Salim Shahzad start casting aspersions on the holiest of all the Ummah institutions, we can not just sit back and watch. We have to take action which is timely, purposeful and shows our determination to uphold the honour and the glory of the Ummah. 

The mission, by the grace of God has been very successful. It is the greatest victory for the Ummah since the battle of the Okara Farms. This time, it started with hobnailed boots applied, with judicious force, to the thoracic cage of the enemy and subsequently, to the endocrine glands of the mobile phone operator. It allowed a rapid diminution of the threat to national security and erasure of the pernicious telephone records. A resounding victory was won for the upholders of the True Faith. 

This will teach the whole world, not to trifle with the basic tenets of our faith and the essential pillars of our identity. This will teach them not to take the name of the Lord God, the Creator of the Universe, in vain. This will teach them not to take the name of the Director General in vain. Verily, we believe in the Unity of Command which has no partner and a Minimum Strategic Deterrent. 

We can not allow any foreign power to interfere with our sovereign right to slit our own throats.