Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

I am kirying my eyes out. When your country turns igainst you and your idapted country turns igainst you, when the Iscatalnd Yard digs up old SIMs and Ifhitkar Bhai sings like a canary, is there any pynt in living?

They did nat even give me a list. Aan the list, would have been my cherished pandaan and my girandad’s ispittoon; my first mobile phoon which I baat with asylum money. A lock of hair and a biloo shaapping bag belanging to Shaheed Bhai Imran Farooq; nothing is left, except this desk phoon thirough which I am addressing you. 

Dear Mutahidda Nation, 

The international establishment is conspiring to malign you birather. They want to demoralize us so that the peepil’s revolution can be kirushed and the rise of the midil kilass can be istapped. We will naat allow them to succeed. 

They are infiltirating istrange istrange peepil with Zionist connections into Kiranchi via NA 250. These peepil have links with the international establishment and are naat tirue firiends of Kiranchi. We are the loyal citizens of Kiranchi who have made it into the formidable international force with a higher baady bag count of valiant peepil than Iraq and Somalia. 

I am thinking aaf various aaptions. One aaption is Columbia. We have a laat in caammon. They have Kaali Cartel, whereas we have worshipped Kaali Mata for a very laang time and  benefitted the society by garroting the wayfarers, except during the period aaf oppression by Laard Bentinck and Journal Naseerullah Babar. The cartel shoot peepil aaf establishment, such as the judges. We also shoot mimbers aaf establishment such as donkey cart owners and night watchmen in the wraang area. If Morales Bhai can come out of Aastaria, maybe he can give me lift to South Amreeka aan his presidential airkiraft. 

Another passibility is Egypt. They seem to be in need aaf a national leader who is sagacious and can build consensus to biring the various forces in the society together. The Rabita Kmaitee can do that by employing the sector commanders firam Nine Zero, so that in the next election Morsi Bhai will get ninety nine percent vote and the voters will get their NIC cards back afterwards only. 

And why naat South Afreeka? They will be in dire need of a Father of the Nation very soon. Who can step into those big shoes, better than your birahther? We can turn South Afreeka into a model of ethnic harmony based on our gireat achievements in South Pakistan. The suitable conditions already exist. We can regularise the ghettos of Soweto, so that any istranger firam outside can nat istep in and be alive half an hour later. Every bady knows their pilace and does naat venture into the no-go areas. We could import armoured cars, Rangers, CPLC, abduction for ransom, the pirogressive and egalitarian bhatta system, the forward looking and visionary qabza mafia, the far reaching and effective kunda system, Binnori Town mosque and Maya Khan. 

And yes, only after the Met Chief Bhai has released my Paandan.