Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

I met Imam Abu Hanifa in Edgware. No, not in Baghdad. Even Shaikh Abdul Qadir Jilani does not live in Baghdad anymore. Baghdad is yesterday’s news. The meeting was facilitated by angels of God who did not want to be seen with me in Aabpara. They did not want to fly to Mississauga either, as that would cause their wings to be burnt and the story of their injuries to be leaked to the demonic Toronto press.

My friend and my brother Imran Khan came as well. Unfortunately, Brother Salman’s band was not allowed in and the angels were not allowed to use the face paint. They were not even allowed to wear uniform. The dress code can be harsh in the imperialist borough of Edgware. 

We discussed the desire of Allah SWT to bring about a revolution in the Islamic Republic. The Imam suggested that we mobilise the school kids of the Minhaj Foundation and provide them with slingshots, glass marbles, sticks and gas masks so that the will of Allah can be fulfilled in a peaceful manner, without bloodshed because, verily, Allah SWT and his nearest angels in Rawalpindi do not like carnage at their doorstep. 

The bullet proof car was ordered to ensure peace in the land. The containers were quipped with modern conveniences and given a coat of new paint.

PAT and PTI are cousins. Myself and Imran are real brothers. We can trace our lineage back to the auspicious genes of the Father of the Nation and of the angels, General Muhammad Mustache ul Haq of blessed memory who was present in the meeting in spirit and is watching over us right now as the multitudes gather to bring down the edifice of the House of Parilament; much as our ancestors brought down the palaces of Caesar and of Khosro. 

Actually, Brother Sharif carries the same genes as well. But he is the black sheep in the family who has brought the illustrious name of the patriarch and of the angels into disrepute. May Allah SWT guide him to the straight path. 

Brother Imran has expressed his desire to tie the knot as soon as the revolution is complete. I would like to remind him that matches are made in heaven or in London or in the Greater Toronto Area. Although the nuptials can take place in the GHQ. 

I would also like to offer a brotherly advice. He should not allow Brother Hashmi to pull down his trousers in public. This can affect the noble cause of the revolution by demoralising the public and causing offense to the angels of God. (May Allah be pleased with them). 

Shaikh ul Islam, Imam Spike Milligan Asqalani has written: 

‘My name is Imran Khan, I walk about the town,

Sometimes with my trousers up and sometimes with them down.

When they were up, they were up,

When they were down, they were down

And when they were only half way up,

I got arrested.’

Long live revolution.