Transcultural Dialogues

By Hakim Hazik 

Geo: It seems that Gen Gulzar has spilled the beans; Gen Tinpot must be very upset? 

Spinmaster: It’s a wanton waste of precious lentils and erosion of national wealth. Besides, what Gen Gulzar considers patriotism is actually an enlarged prostate.  

Geo: But he has held responsible positions. A general in the Tinpot Army. Corps Commander, Chairman Public Service Commission. That would indicate solidity and substance; the presence of a vertebral column, surely? 

S: He pretended to be loyal when it suited him. When he had these cushy jobs in sight.  

G: Is loyalty then the main criterion for these appointments? What about competence and ability? 

S: He pretended to be competent when it suited him. He enjoyed all the benefits when he could. Now he finds it easy to join the rabble rousers.  

G: Which benefits were those O’ Spinmaster? 

S: To lord over the petty civilians. To teach them respect for authority. To allow them to obey the rule of law, especially martial law. To rub shoulders with the statesmen and lawgivers of the world. To advance civilisation. To have a plot and not lose the plot.  

G: But did you not lose the plot when you used white phosphorus bombs on Lal Masjid? 

S: This man can not tell the difference between white phosphorus and an agarbatti. We used white phosphorus to create a smoke screen to overpower the miscreants.   

G: White phosphorus burns the flesh to the bone General, and even then it does not stop burning. and then it gives the corpses a green glow.  

S: This is precisely the kind of ghoulish and sinister propaganda you should guard against. White phosphorus is a gentle sedative. It calms down the frayed nerves of people under stress and allows them to take a relaxed and objective view of reality. Creates an  ambience of amiability and bonhomie. I would recommend it to you for special occasions such as wedding anniversaries and musical evenings.  

G: Shake and bake General, shock and awe? 

S: You are making the cardinal mistake of comparing Fallujah with Islamabad. Fallujah was a city in thrall of extremists, under violent occupation of a foreign power, with a puppet government doing its bidding.  

G: And Islamabad General?

S: Islamabad is the modern capital of a forward looking independent republic, where we use mild sedatives and Wittgenstein to resolve differences.  

G: Then why do you think Gen Gulzar is behaving so oddly? 

S: He must have his wires pulled by a foreign agency. It can’t be the White House as all its wires are busy calling Gen Tinpot, may God sustain his rule. It can’t be the State Department, as all their wires are busy calling Senator Goldfinger, may God increase his gold. It must be a rogue state such as Comoro Islands or a terrorist regime like Luxemburg. These are dangerous times. May God protect the backsides, plots, acres, farms, stables, bakeries, factories, deputations and reputations of all faithful soldiers of the Tinpot Army.