Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik 

My name is M1A2 Abrams. I was made by General Dynamics in Lima, Ohio, 3 years ago. My best friend is George No Clue (Jr.). He is the most powerful man on earth. He is the same age as me, mentally. He likes to play with me. He does not like to think. He lets me and Condi do the thinking. Condi is very clever.  

George likes to talk to his best friend Tinpot on the phone. He is on the phone for hours. He asks him to come, stay with him for a sleepover. I have an armour that is 2 cm thick. George and Tinpot have skulls that are thicker. They are great guys.   

I have a 120 mm gun. which can fire a man-sized hole through a concrete wall. One canister round can cut a hundred men into ribbons. George likes ribbons. He says this should be used for bad guys. Condi calls them enemy combatants. There are plenty of them still unpunished. People like Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, Zachariah Musawi and Iftikhar Mohammad Chaudhry. They killed Daniel Pearl. Fascists.  

Condi likes democracy. She says democracy is good for people with a golf handicap of at least 12. Those who go to church on Sundays and who order Roquefort dressing on their salad. It is not good for people who wear long shirts and baggy trousers, don’t shave and don’t order barbecue sauce with their fries. Maybe they can have just a little bit of democracy in summer vacations after breakfast. It will have to be approved by the FDA. They will be ready for it fully in three hundred and fifty years.  

What they need is discipline. Fortunately America can help. As it did on Tuesday when we cut to ribbons 11 Pakistan soldiers. (Condi says: neutralised 11 Pak Mil enemy combatants when they attacked without provocation.) We have friends who can apply discipline on our behalf. That happened in Karachi, when 6 mischievous lawyers were disciplined to medium-rare level in Tahir plaza. Serves them right. Condi says there are about sixty judges, who need to be disciplined in a similar way, but that is not allowed on weekends. It would be against the rules.  

Condi says the economy is under pressure. Killings have become ridiculously expensive. Torture is fast becoming unaffordable for most Americans. We need to act quickly to ensure supply of essential items. She says Pakistan is an ideal emerging market. It has a long coastline and a young, dynamic population, all of them willing to die. There is an excellent infrastructure for torture. (Condi says: enhanced interrogation). Because of these natural advantages that they have, we can enter into a fruitful partnership. This is called market economy.  

Condi says they have a great judicial system. They have cut through the bloated bureaucracy. Any taxpayer can provide justice, provided he has an NTN number. People employed by the army, the intelligence, the police, bank clerks, hairdressers, serial killers looking for work, schizophrenics on parole, lynch mobs.  

You can provide justice, on your way home from a game of bowling. You can have the case hearing, cross examination, execution, quartering and cremation of the criminal on street corners. This has been facilitated by Judge Dogar. All that is required is to swear an oath of allegiance to a competent authority. He carries a copy of the oath in his wallet, with a blank space to write the name of the competent authority. Ingenious. 

Also by Hakim Hazik: Spinmaster General, May His Tribe Increase, Yusuf And The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, King Badar the Conquerer,