By: Hakim Hazik

The Eid ul Fitr was celebrated with the usual religious fervour across the length and breadth of the country. Actually, at least four moons were sighted and at least three Eids were celebrated, the majority of them in Khyber Pukhtunkhwa. Some members of the Moon Sighting Committee have revealed to this correspondent in confidence, that actually nine moons were sighted, but it was thought in the public interest not to disclose this information at the present critical juncture in Ummah’s history.

There are others who are equally confident, that these members are on the payroll of the CIA and RAW and are out to undermine the Ummah and the Solar System. The Sensitive Agencies will deal with these infiltrators as soon as they have solved the mystery of un-circumcised imams in North Waziristan and some rogue operators who are fooling the gullible in Gujranwala, claiming that Jupiter may have as many as nine moons! Many infertile couples have been taken in by these fraudsters and parted with large sums of money. 

The Sensitive Agencies have arrested the mastermind who claims to be the Chief of SUPARCO, as he was trying to cross the border into Iran. He has appeared on the national TV admitting that he was selling sensitive astrophysics information to Iran. He has retracted his statement about Jupiter and has said that he was quoted out of context. He has also said that he alone was responsible for these actions and that had not informed the IAEA or General Kayani. He has asked for a presidential pardon and has been given it on the basis that he will not write columns in Jang or give interviews to Meher Bukhari or give statements against Rehman Malik.

This breakthrough came about after painstaking analysis of the SIM card which was used by the said offender, who had bought it for ten rupees from the local CIA Station Chief, who also runs the USAID and Expanded Programme of Immunisation in Abbot Abad and who has recently returned to duty after Eid Holidays. 

Al-Haj Cameron Munter, offered his Eid prayers in the US embassy, which has been expanded to accommodate the growing needs of the masses and of Blackwater. It has now beaten the Faisal Mosque in the having the capacity to hold the biggest Eid Congregation and the LGBT festival in the capital. 

The President and the Prime Minister have congratulated the whole nation, especially the Hazara community on the happy ending of Ramazan and the spectacular Eid that they have had, near their hearths and homes. They have also thanked the Bait ul Maal of the IMF, the Saudi Oil Ministry and the Tehreek e Taliban of Pakistan, for not forgetting their brethren in faith, in times of need as well as at times of festivity. 

The president had awarded Hilal e Imtiaz to the IG of Quetta, who has added to the national mood of celebration by finding the head of the suicide bomber. 

We wish you a very happy Eid and many happy returns.