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Chaudhry Negroponte


Transcultural Dialogues 

By Hakim Hazik 

Gen. (Retd.) Tinpot: O Master, O Lord, O Chaudhry of the State Department and of the Empire, hallowed be the ground you walk on. Welcome to this land and this fiefdom.  

Chaudhry Negroponte: Glad to be here Tinpot, it seems you have been keeping busy.  

Tinpot: Not nearly as busy as you sir, and your diligent assistant Chaudhry Boucher. Now, what can I get you. Shall I get you a fresh hookah. Specially made by the legendary hookah makers of Kahuta, under meticulously controlled conditions. Stays fresh for longer and gives you a glow in the dark. Or would you prefer a cool refreshing drink of lassi, spun to exacting standards by the master of spin, Gen. (Retd.) Rashid Qurehsi. If you like, a relaxing massage after your arduous journey across the seven seas, personally administered by my chief masseur, Malik Abdul Qayyum, the ultimate hope of the weary traveller. Knots in the muscles and knots in the law, dissolve and disappear under his healing touch.  

Negroponte: Thanks for your gracious welcome. I am touched. But I would rather not be touched by your masseur. Look at the mess he has got you into. I am afraid Tinpot, I am not the bearer of glad tidings. You were given this fiefdom to ensure peace for the Empire, but look at the serfs revolting everywhere. Upstarts like Zardari and Sharif are becoming insolent. The peace of the Empire is threatened. The Chaudhry of Chaudhries, President Lame Duck No Clue (Jr.), has advised me to relieve you of the liege.  

Tinpot: (Stunned silence) Er, Sir Ji, I am not worried for myself. I can easily go to my farm in Chak Shahzad, and live a life of leisure, attend to the vegetables such as sweet turnips and Wasi Zafar, but think what will happen in the whole area. This will send the wrong kind of message to the rebels. There will be mutiny, disorder and chaos. The Empire will be rolled back, the mob will rule. Peasants will revolt every where, landlords like Chaudhry Karzai and Chaudhry Maliki will be lynched. The unruly mobs will storm the diplomatic enclave, the viceregal lodge will be torched. The consequences will be unthinkable Sir Ji.  

Negroponte: We have thought long and hard about it Tinpot. I am afraid the decision is in place. You will not be the fief lord any more. But you can continue to maintain your current accommodation. You will be given all your retirement benefits including unlimited health cover under Medicare. If there are any health issues, our state of the art, health care facilities will be available to you, including B52 Flying Fortresses and Predator UAVs, which are capable of performing surgical operations with great precision, and have already proven their worth in improving health indices the tribal areas.

Tinpot: Here is a drink of lassi to your health Sir Ji.  

Negroponte: Cheers.

Please also see Our Man in Honduras, Negroponte Kaun Hai, by Hamid Mir

Also see by Hakim Hazik; Quaid-e-Tehrik Pizza Shop, Lord's Prayer



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