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Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansoor

Extraordinary Rendition


By: Hakim Hazik

The RAF Hercules taxis slowly to a stop on the tarmac of Bagram Airbase. The most important dignitary to grace the ISAF airbase in a decade steps off. It is none other than Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansoor. The doyen of the Quetta Shura, Viceroy to the Realm of Hindukush, the trusted rapporteur and heir to the King Emperor of Quetta and Qandahar, Mullah Mohammad Omar himself. (God preserve his shadow).

The great leader has flown non-stop from the Samungli Airbase, where he was taken in the immaculate ISI staff car. This man alone holds the future of Afghanistan and indeed, the Free World in his mighty hands. He is the veteran of numerous jihads against satanic forces. He alone is responsible for laying low the Soviet misadventure in Afghanistan and for the defeat of the world communism.

The bugle sounds fanfare. After viewing the smartly turned out guard of honour parade by the ANA and the ISAF forces, he makes his way with General David Patreus to the NATO headquarters. Together the two world leaders sip freshly brewed Afghan Qahwa and set upon the discussing the serious issues facing the troubled region and the world at large.

This is no mean achievement for the MI6. It has taken hundreds of thousands of pounds of the British taxpayers money and months and months of delicate negotiations and a carefully co-ordinated joint operation with the sister organisation of ISI to arrive at this momentous result. It has to be said that no expense is too much when the stakes are so high and the future of the world hangs in balance.

Credit must be given where it is due. It was due to the painstaking detective work by the ISI that Mullah Sahib was first discovered tucked away in the anonymity of the Kabari Market in Quetta. It required sifting through reams and reams of intelligence reports and employing latest professional techniques in enhanced interrogation that has yielded this unparalleled outcome.

Such was the modesty that Mullah Sahib displayed, at least to start with, that he insisted that he was a mere shopkeeper selling smuggled Chinese iPods and shampoos. Never to be deterred by minor setbacks, the diligent officers of the Sister Agency applied razor blades to sundry parts of his honoured person, leading to the present breakthrough.

There are rumours circulating among the chattering classes that these negotiations have hit an impasse, mainly because Mullah sahib is pining for his shop in the idyllic Quetta valley and wants to spend some quality time with his iPods. Only the gullible will be found giving credence to this vain attempt at psy-ops, by the enemies of democracy.

The western liberal democracies must forge ahead with grit and determination, so that they can bring freedom and justice to the untold millions suffering under the intolerable burden of fanaticism, poverty, and deprivation in the Af-Pak. If it involves engaging with the fanatics, giving them a share in the government and access to world markets, especially in heroin and weapons technology, it would be a worthwhile effort.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

More articles by Hakim Hazik


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