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Read My Hips

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik


The prosperity of Pakistan is anchored to my posterior. It is the basis of the ideology of Pakistan. It is the only guarantee of peace in the region of FATA and Fak-Ap. It is the long standing demand of the patriotic circles of the Pukhtunkhwa that Jewish bottoms in Levi jeans belonging to foreign NGOs  are banished. They come from Islamabad and are profiling the patriotic hips for the archives of the National Security Agency. Once they get all the data, the integrity of Ummah and of the country will be in danger.


All the military lands in DI Khan should be redistributed to the patriotic leaders belonging within the circle of Islam. All the non-military lands should be distributed to the military, before they are redistributed to the patriotic leaders. Land Rovers, converted to Islam and CNG should be provided to the local elders, as halal diesel has been priced out of the circle of Islam. Jews have cornered the market. We are from Allah and to him we must return. Bani Israel are the enemies of Islam. 


We are against the war. We must give peace a chance. We welcome the appointment of the negotiation committee, although we were not consulted. Major Aamir of the tribe Bani Thaqeef is major pillar of Islam. He is a well versed in the language of the midnight jackals and eminently suited to talk to Mullah Radio in his own language. Together, they will ensure that this land is never again blighted by the rule of the female and I am spared the ignominy of serving under one. Rustam Shah of the tribe Bani Mohmand knows many a secrets of Iran and Turan. It is rumoured that he has special influence in Bani Gala. Irfan Siddiqui has served the Ittefaq household over the years with distinction. He is the most distinguished licker of the elite industrial boots. They can bring Fazlullah to Waziristan, Sufi Mohammad to Swat and Sharia to Islamabad. 


I also think that Mullah Sandwich has no role to play. He is an impostor. He will have no credibility unless he abducts some Chinese massage women from Islamabad. 


We never had it so good than when General Tinpot was in power and when Qazi Sahib was in the coalition. Madame Patterson was the vicerene. Yours truly walked the corridors of power and kept the Ummah on an even keel. Riyals for Wifaq ul Madaris and the Coalition Support Fund for the MMA government. How things have changed. Brother Tinpot is in AFIC, Mullah Cockerel is the Amir, and Madame Patterson is at Foggy Bottom. 


If you ask me, Brother Tinpot’s goose is cooked. How long will he hide behind khaki skirts? One day he will be dragged feet first to the court of Brother Faisal Arab and beg to be allowed to go to Arab Sharif. This is what happens when you mistake the Twitter followers for political workers. He can tweet but he cannot hide.  


Tinpots can come and go. NRO can be made and unmade. NAB chairmans can resign. Angiograms can be done at home or abroad, Yours Truly will always be part of the federal government. That is the will of Allah (SWT).  



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