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The Beatification of Bin Laden


 Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik


We have all gathered here today to honor the late OBL, academic, exegete and professor of asymmetric warfare at the PMA Kakool. He has become a legend in death, as he was in life.


He is survived by 13 wives and 110 known children, including General Speed Bull and Hazrat Bad Hamid, under whose sagacious intellectual leadership, the Ummah will be led to a Sharia compliant, profit and loss sharing, mass hysteria and salvation through collective martyrdom. 


The Ummah owes him a profound debt of gratitude, as he inculcated a unique world view which is flourishing in Pakistan as well as among many other nations of the Ummah.


This world view is simple and powerful; hence its overwhelming appeal to all the nations of the world. It entails that the Ummah fights against the hypocrisy of the evil West and armed with the potent weapons of shuttlecock burqas and shaven upper lips, gives it a knockout blow, so that it never recovers. On its remains will be built a new civilization, which will give hope and comfort to all the downtrodden and the oppressed men of the world who will marry up to four times after establishing virtue and obliterating vice. 


They will demonstrate their virtue by wearing  baggy trousers, riding high and leather sandals, after the use of absorbent stones, as prescribed by the Sharia. 


A discussion has ensued regarding the OBL estate in Abbott Abad. The consensus of opinion seems to be that it should be converted into Ummah archives, in recognition of the renaissance that is taking place all over the world, especially in the vanguard nations of Sudan, Somalia, Afghanistan and Pakistan. Due to OBL’s contributions, these countries have become the standard bearers of truth, justice, equity and hope for the teeming millions across the globe. An endowment has been established to fund a chair of self immolation at the PMA. 


The issue of sovereignty has been exaggerated. Our radars are fully functional and our valiant armed forces are fully awake and fully equipped with state of the art defense equipment, including F 16 aircraft paid for by our population earning an average of 1.34 dollars per day, JF Thunder, paid for by Saudi Arabia and the blasphemy law, paid for by the people of Gojra. We are not a nation to be trifled with. The Field Marshal has said as much. There is no question of the Field Marshal eating his hat. This is a most egregious suggestion, inspired by the jews and politicians. The actual fact is that it was a planned mission for technology transfer; in this case, a Pave Hawk helicopter with advanced avionics.  


There has been an intense debate on the media regarding the circumstances of OBL’s death. We are very impressed with the superior and sound logic of the three part argument put forward by the Earth Media House, which goes as follows:


Firstly, OBL is still alive and the Americans are lying. Secondly, the Americans are lying SOBs who have murdered an unarmed man in cold blood. Thirdly, OBL has already been dead many years and the Americans are lying. 


We, like Earth, agree with all three. 





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